Showing posts with label Parkinson's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parkinson's. Show all posts

Monday, October 3, 2022

Nine Months of First

 Nine Months of Firsts


I pray that the words of my heart ring true and offer healing, forgiveness, and hope. 


First February and Mariah’s birthday without Libby.  First Spring without Libby.  First Easter. First Mother’s Day without Libby. The first end of a school year.  First Summer without a family vacation altogether.  First New school year. First every day.  Every day is truly a day without Liberty, and some days that is very hard to reconcile when I am growing and healing on my own time. I am so very blessed to have an honest relationship with Mariah who has her own journey to traverse with her sister in her heart.   She strengthens me; she is a force to be reckoned with every day.


So much has changed in my world, and I know that I have been the catalyst of many of the changes.  It has been growing- a lot of growing.  It has also been a lot of aching hardships as I learn how to ride the waves of grief.  Liberty passed away on January 30th  with a beautiful hospice team, her favorite music, and her beloved family around.  So many of her loved ones were able to be there to say their farewells and offer support.  It was hard, and it was lovely.  I could not have asked for it to be more peaceful as she passed.  


Slowly my body is resetting, and I am no longer waking up multiple times a night to give Libby her meds or check on her. Now instead of getting up or reaching for her, I say her name and tell her I love her. I was blessed to have been part of her care team.   This time last year I knew Libby would not be with us too much longer.  Memories of last year are either convoluted or terribly clear.  There are many things I do not remember or don’t want to. For months, I would wake up mid-anxiety attack and/or crying. I knew my world was crashing and all I could do was what I could do: love the kid and support the others who love her.   


It was the letting go with grace and faith that was hard.  This hardness hits on and off like waves but hit full tilt in the last couple of weeks as my birthday approached.   It took a while for me to realize that the heaviness I felt was the fact that I am still here and Liberty’s is not.  Parents are not supposed to bury our children period. Losing a child in any way should not be part of the roller coaster we call life.  And even though it was a peaceful and perfect homegoing, it was still going away from our girl.  The child we all fought for and pushed to keep her happy and comfortable for so long is gone.  Still, I remain grateful to have been a part of her journey.  Grateful.


I am putting that heaviness off, as I cannot undo or change the long, hard, and blessed road we all traveled beside Liberty.  Now, we all need to forge new paths without her physically here.  Since April, I have made some big changes in my life.  These changes were for me to create a way to grow and heal.  After over 13 years of being a caretaker, I needed to be able to find who I was and try on the new growth my spirit was craving.   


I moved out of Happy and got a place for me to live in Amarillo. I have never lived alone.  Never had a bathroom or a closet to myself. It has been a blessing and a new kind of being.  I am learning to simply be in my space.  I enjoy being close to the church, school, and even stores, but  I miss the open spaces in Happy, the beautiful friends, and the community.  I miss my dogs and other animals, so grateful to have Monkey with me in Amarillo.   


My move caused many people I love pain, and for that I am sorry.  I needed to breathe and heal my own pains. I needed to go. I separated from Rachael.  In therapy, I have learned that two disparate things can be true, such as I didn’t want to hurt anyone,  and yet I needed to go for myself.  Completing the steps to end our relationship was hard.  We had many, many years growing together.  Now I pray that we can each grow strong as the individuals we are capable of being.  

   

I changed my job as well.  I went from teaching Advanced Placement English Literature and Dual Credit to returning to my first love in teaching: Special Education.   I am a co-teacher for several wonderfully talented teachers.  My learning curve has been huge; I love the challenge.  The world of Special Education has changed greatly in the last 15 years, so I have great things to learn. I am trying. My short-term memory is not great partially due to grief.  I am excited to keep trying and learning in this new position.    


https://music.apple.com/us/album/graves-into-gardens-studio/1524503069?i=1524503568

 

I pray that all that have loved and cared for Libby can grow and continue to share the love.  As this is my first birthday without her, may we all keep moving forward in love and hope. Every day is a day without Liberty, and yet she is always with us.  I have carried this grief in a pregnant heart as we step past the nine months of changes.   I am sorry I have not been sharing for so long.   Been doing the work and processing it on my own time.   Thank you all for your support. 


Sunday, January 2, 2022

Docile and Compliant

 We have been blessed with several very lovely holiday get-togethers.   Libby loves to have her people with her.   She is such a rock star.  

Sharing some raw realness. I don't know if there is a step-by-step guide on how to do this.  Surely there is a section in the parental learning manual titled, "How to completely lose your shit while your child dies"  or, "How to gracefully let your child go."  These are my current steps in no order.  

1. Be angry.  Be very pissed. Tattoo guilt on your face. Ask all the whys. Wear righteous indignation like the emperor's cloak.



2. Try to handle the anger by doing online research and then regret it immediately.

3. Be envious of other parents who have healthy children.  Why is life so damn hard?

4. Also, be envious of those who have successfully raised their children and are empty nesters. 

5. Immediately feel guilty for #4.   Try on grace for a long moment. 

6. Doubt everything you've done as a daughter, mother, wife, friend, and human.  

7. Blame the illness on everything from the Purple Tella Tubby to Crop Circles to passing a curse on genetically. 

8. Try to race ahead of the typhoon of grief, make a list, and then feel like you're drowning; dream repeatedly of water.

9. Lose the list, or throw it away because you can't hold a thought in your head and suddenly realize it doesn't matter.

10.  Ask "How much time do we have?" Register the look from the Hospice Team and not ask again because who really knows.

11. Walk into three rooms and not remember why I went to any of them, or I'll Pick up an old toy and carry it around the house for no reason.  Did I start the load of laundry?   Try to give her juice again?  Are the bed room doors closed?

12. Get my shit together and try to work on school stuff.  

13.  Regret spending any time not focused on my child.   Remember to trust in faith.

14.  Escape from the caregiving because you cannot breathe and then regret not being there.  

15.  Look online for support groups, support articles, anything to remind you that you are not alone.  Anything that shows that other Mommas have survived this.  

16 Read articles about grief and anger and caregiver burnout.

17. Start another conversation about the future plans for your kid and swallow those words like you've been starving.  

18. Get more sad than angry.  Go silent.

19. Discover that you have worn your daughter's old bra all day and never noticed it- just felt vaguely uncomfortable.  Tell her about it and get a blesssed giggle.

20. Constantly look for any signs of the ugly insidious approach of her passing, and beat myself up when I think I have missed something.  

21.  Ask how I am supposed to survive this.  Is that the expectation?  Just need the rules.

22.  Try to hold on to faith and sunlight.  

23.  More rambling crap to incoherently follow...

Libby's body is moving through the stages as her body gets smaller and smaller. She still gives us giggles and some smiles, which I am ever grateful for.  She is spending more time staring blankly; I think she is listening to KT Oslin, Johnny Cash, and now Betty White.  

We have the Hospice bed now which is keeping her much more comfortable through the days in the front room.  I've been surrounding her with her pack of babies.  This gives me solace.

  I need to change Libby's name to Docile or Compliant.  She is refusing to eat or drink very much. I am a Southern Momma who wants to feed EVERYONE, but not this kid.  She is 100% Liberty.   She is not able to stand on stiffened spastic legs to help us transfer her from chair to bed and bed to chair.   Her legs are now not responding.   Still spastic, just not load-bearing.  The slow and steady decline is no party and isn't for the weak of heart.   But here we are.  As for now, she is still herself and I pray she knows how loved she is.  

Liberty and all of her beautiful stubbornness- “Broken Horses” https://music.apple.com/us/album/broken-horses/1577159552?i=1577159680 

Liberty turns 25 next week.   Trying to plan a celebration that won't wear her out and can keep everyone safe isn't easy. I do know that I'll be asking for small hygiene products for our Care Closet and/or monetary Snack Shak donations.  Will continue to give and serve as we can.   Grateful to be able to be ugly honest. Here is the announcement   We will ask for safe considerations of our girl.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.   


Saturday, August 29, 2020

New Balance: Lagom


Rachael and I returned to working in the brick and

mortar classroom on our campuses. We have been

training, collaborating, planning, and researching.

We are organizing, cleaning out, and arranging

student seats. We are re-imagining, re-learning,

re-trying, and re-tooling education. We are comparing

masks and how to keep our glasses from fogging

and our nostrils from drying out.  This is a relentlessly

stress filled, overwhelming time for teachers and yet

it’s exciting! Nevertheless, it is good to be on campus

with my peers preparing for my future Loves to join us.

My fellow teachers, administrators, and staff bless

me every day and make me a better person. 


The flip side of this is that I am not with Libby every

day now.  I am at school and she is either with Mariah

or Jennifer depending on the day. This is hard as I have

not ever had the chance to spend this much time with

either of my children. I have spent my parenting years

working at least one job and going to school for my own education.  I lost a lot of time with my girls.


The last five months have been challenging

and a great blessing. I didn't get to see Mariah as much,

but we were able to talk more. There are many other words to convey what this time meant for me, but words fail me.Truly a stressful godsend to have that time with her.  She is now up several pounds and has filled out quite a bit! She is even wearing some adult-sized clothes again.  


After her drastic weight loss a year and a half ago, I went through her clothes but held on to many that I hoped she would gain back the weight needed.  That alone is wonderful as we have scaled back on the number of tube feedings she gets in a day. She got her tube replaced last week and we were lucky to get her in when we did- right before the tube popped out.   I'll continue to monitor her intake and struggles with Parkinson's swallow to adjust her caloric

intake as needed.


The stress is real in the land of education. The level of uncertainty as we create new norms in education is real and overwhelming. The cognitive load is great and overwhelming. Yet, we will preserver. We will learn and adapt and do what is needed for our students, parents and peers.


Beautiful teachers stay strong. We can do this.


To all reading this please that you are loved and are worth far more than you know. 

Ileana





Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Busy


 
      Sometimes I dream of the Liberty we had.  In my dream she is supposed to be inside playing, instead she is high up in a tree.  Her hair is in pig-tails and she is wearing her Crocodile Hunter outfit. There are dinosaurs in her pockets. Or laying on the trampoline with her dogs. Or she's built a blanket fort and is singing to her stuffed animals, or her dinosaurs.  Whatever is in this version of the Liberty dream, you can assume she is doing her own thing and she is busy.  And I am busy as well. I prayed several times for this dream to change and that I would go and watch her play (or join her). Sometimes it happens. 
      I was not a child who could be still.  Ever.  From what I have been told, I was busy.   About the only things that seemed to settle me were music or sitting on Grandma's lap while she read to me. Beautiful Mariah could sit and play or cuddle and watch a movie- most of the time. Like the wind, she could have some super active times, but her movies would keep her attention for long periods of time. Now, Liberty.  Sweet Liberty was always busy as well.  She climbed out of her crib at nine months old.  She was uncontainable from then on. Grandma told me Libby's truth was in her name.   I had claimed her business when I named her.   That hasn't changed much. 
       Even now, Liberty is busy.  Her body is stiff and mostly unmoveable.  She doesn't have control over it, but her body continues to move.  All the time.  Sleeping, wide awake, eating, laughing, or pottying her body is moving to its own rhythm.  She has Deep Brain Stimulators, one of each side of her brain to calm her body down. She has a Baclofen pump that is routed through her spinal column giving her muscle relaxant continuously throughout the day.  She takes a Parkinson's med five times a day to slow the jerkiness of her muscles.  All of that and yet she is busy.
       During this time of quarantine, I have been able to see Libby for who she is now.  She is still sweet and funny we just have to pay attention to when she can let it out.  She gets impatient at times.  She is sappy and lovey at times.   She is tired a lot of the time. Blessed by this time with her, I have been able to get to know and see her for who she is now.   This is not the child I had ten years ago.  Or five. Or two years ago.  She is different.  She has to be.  Her body and brain has betrayed her, and all of us, in many ways.  I could be angry and sad, so very sad, at this betrayal, but that has consumed far too much energy already.  I can see her for the completely different and beautiful person she is.
      She still has a voice, of sorts.  Even though we are down to one-syllable words generally as responses.  I miss getting to actually converse with her.  So much.  I'd much rather talk with her instead of talking for her, but here we are.
      Please do not think this is a sad post.  It really isn't.  For the first time in my life as a mother, I have been home with my kid.  I never got to be home with Mariah.  I started working full time when Mariah was five weeks old.  I returned to work when Libby was six weeks old.  I have never not had at least one full-time job or at least two part-time jobs. I missed so much of my girls working for us.  So much.   I regret the time I missed with them, but I did what I thought I needed to do to provide for them. I now know this regular mom guilt.  I was busy.
      This time that quarantine has given us has been a blessing.  I believe this time has prepared me in some ways for our future with Liberty.  I feel more intuned to her body than I have in a very long time.  Life may not ever be this slow again.  Hopefully never again due to a viral pandemic!  I have learned so much from this time and do not want everything to go back to normal.   Our normal was already wonky, and I look forward to creating a new normal.  A normal that is slower in some ways.

       **We have been converting some of our family movies to digital downloads.  I was able to actually one video with Liberty playing.  For years, I could not even look at her younger pictures.  I feared I would cleave in two.  The half of me that is Liberty's would implode.  But I didn't tear apart. I saw the pictures from before.  Before the illness.  Before her body quit.  I watched and cried.  I let myself just cry and laugh and cry some more.  I sat in that revelry.  The beautiful sadness that is this kind of change in a child, or any loved one.  I sat there and watched.   And it hurt to my core, but I did not rip apart. I needed to not be busy and simply see her when she was.  For who she was so that I could see her more clearly today.  Isn't that crazy?!
       Let's think now about how to not be so busy.

        Be blessed and stay safe.  Know that you loved and needed.  We all need each other.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Living the Bonus

      
    Living with someone who has a chronic degenerative illness is like being in the eye of the storm.   We get up every day and go out with the intention to live our lives with purpose.   I might be able to forget to not pay attention to how much Libby has eaten, whether or not she has any skin breakdown, how many times she has gone to potty this week because we are busy living.  Meanwhile so many around us can get caught up in the fact that Liberty was once a healthy cantankerous child, and now her body fights against us in so many ways. So many only see the little body with the crazy hair and are saddened by her physical state. In the center there is a focus and we will just go and go and go and do and do and do.   She remains ornery, and we remain determined.   
     The storm Liberty creates has been building the more her body tries to stop us.  After the Baclofen pump surgery in November I have wanted to have a serious talk with her doc about what our forecast is.  About what I need to be on the lookout for as far as her health and any deterioration. 
      During her last appointment with Doctor Hottie, her main Neuro, I asked two difficult questions: Do you have any idea of a prognosis?   Do I need to retire early and stay home with her? 
       He paused, "I am not a fortune teller, but I have to be honest.  Years ago, when y'all first made it to me, she was progressing so fast, that I didn't think she'd make it this long.      She's twenty now and is somewhat stable.   Her Dystonia and Parkinson's will continue doing what they're doing, but overall she is stable.   What you've been living through lately isn't borrowed time; it's bonus time."  
       "Well, okay.  Guess I won't sell everything and head to Disneyworld."
        "You two already keep her busy and going, and if there are some bucket list items then I might start crossing them off.   Enjoying this time is important." 

           He teared up some as he spoke.  We continued talking about such weighty matters as if they were the weather.  We have to keep her weight steady and try to get her to gain some.   This weight loss is an issue that comes along with the Parkinson's and Dystonia package.  She is so tight/spastic, that she burns way more calories than we can get into her.  We do try to get more in.  And we keep trying. Her bowel and bladder issues also progress and we are limited in our interventions there.  This particular combo is not fun for any of us. 
 
         All those years ago during our visit with Doctor Hottie, he asked us if we would rather give her quality of life or quantity.  My answer was simple: quality.   Always.   So this idea of bonus time is a bit of a revelation for me.  I'm changing the way I think about the plans we make.   I am becoming more intentional about what we can put off for when we can afford it and what needs to happen much sooner.   I have moments where I am scared, but they are brushed away into the storm doesn't really concern me.  No time for fear- there is too much to do.   
        With this time we will go to the Canyon and hike with her.  We will find ways to get her to her favorite mountains, and hopefully to the ocean.  Don't get me wrong, we don't have a countdown clock and there is no depressing doomsday.   We are going to focus on the extra special nature of the blessing that is this day with our Liberty.   
 

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Little Miss Stiff

     It's been too long since I've shared, and for that I apologize.   Like living in the eye of the storm we have been going 900 miles an hour in many different directions.  Liberty's photography class is going very well and she is enjoying her new attendant. Liberty loves going to Amarillo College and loves all her people there.  
      In January, Liberty got her first increase of the muscle relaxer Baclofen in her pump.  Before the pump was placed she was taking 100 mg by mouth every day.    She is now taking 12 mcg through her pump into her spinal fluid.  The increases have to be small due to danger of overdosing. The good news is that her mind has cleared somewhat and she is more vocal.   The downside is that she recognizes pain more often and is unbelievably stiff.  So stiff that she gets bruises on the back of her legs as her body tries to conform to toilet seats and her wheel chair.  So stiff that her whole body is rigid most of the time.   
     Due to scheduling her pump surgery at Thanksgiving, Liberty has not had Botox since before school started.   The difference in her little body is huge.  We hoped that the pump would provide more immediate relief, but sadly, that has not been the case.   As her Parkinson's and Dystonia progress, the stiffness will intensify.  We are pushing against the tide that continues to attack her neurological systems.   Each Baclofen increase should get us closer to  a more relaxed body; we hope.  
       Very soon we go to see her doctors and will get another increase of Baclofen in her pump, have her Deep Brain Stimulator checked, and get Botox once again.    Praying that she get some relief as we have no plans to slow down.  As long as we can- we will keep going.   We are going to live this life to the very fullest we can!  



     Blessings to all! 

Monday, May 30, 2016

Fill the Bucket

https://www.facebook.com/jennings3/videos/10204690090199860/

*I hope the video link works. It is worth reliving.

For me, it's not about the bucket list, it's about filling the bucket. 

Just over a year ago Liberty walked across the stage and got her high school diploma.   For a child that started out healthy, outgoing, vivacious, unpredictable, smart, independent, stubborn, and loving, her graduation was a given.  For the child who lost full neurological function due to the Lyme disease that went undiagnosed, her graduation was a miracle.  

Chronic encephalitis, dystonia,  Parkinson's, spasticity, detrusor-external sphincter dysnergia and speech apraxia are her current diagnoses. She has rechargeable Deep Brain Stimulator's, meds on a five time a day schedule, braces, lots of equipment, and we are hoping to get a Baclofen pump by the end of the summer.  Since her diagnosis January, 2010, her body and prognosis has changed.  Her main doc, Dr. Hottie, doesn't discuss any prognosis as Liberty has been in uncharted waters for a long time, plus it's too hard to discuss.

 I have been afraid of anything happening that I could have stopped.  Afraid of Libby getting hurt.  Afraid of doing anything extra that could hurt my body and keep me from taking care of Libby.  I have been careful of our adventures. We've had lots of fun and lots of adventures, yet I've been beyond cautious.   

I've bought Libby lots of stuff that I thought would make her happy.   Buying stuff was not something I did  before she was struck with illness. Many beloved others have bought her stuff.   We've pushed to move towards experiences, but not full force. Something changed in me early this Spring. 

I'm done with stuff.   I want to go and do.   I want to fill Liberty's bucket with stuff we've done. Fill it with adventures that left our hearts racing and our tears flowing. I don't know what time we have left and what any tomorrow holds,  so I am going to push that we go and do. While we can, we will. 

 

While I can; I will.  While we can; we will. For the child who is smart, funny, flirty, adventurous, and has a list of medical issues, everyday is an empty bucket and I say lets go!  I have to continue to let go  and get going.   I have to trust and relish the adventure.  I have to- to remember her.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Bargaining

I haven't posted in awhile as we've been crazy busy and blessed. Libby's dream of going to college has been challenged in several fronts. She finished the semester strong and did well in her art courses; her required basic courses didn't go so well.  Timed reading and math tests don't work for her.  Despite the best efforts of Mariah Jennings and Jennifer Collins, Libby's grades weren't what they needed to be. 

I took a protective easy out and changed Libby's degree plan to a certificate program. This way she doesn't have to take anymore reading or math courses- focussing only in her art and fun stuff. By doing this we lost financial aid and I guess that's the other side of this bargain. Libby continues in college and it will cost us some extra money.

She is taking basic theater and speech communications, along with her art classes.  Learning to navigate the computerized world of graphic design seems daunting, but I'm down for a challenge. I just hope she is. 

We had an appointment with Dr. Hottie at 11:45 and didn't get to leave until after 4:00.  Libby got her Botox, which she needed, and we made plans to do a Baclofen trial as soon as we can get it scheduled. Considering a Baclofen Pump hasn't been something I wanted to do, but if it will keep some of the fogginess out of her brain I am willing. 

I also haven't thought a stomach tube is a possibility, but to ensure her health and get nutrients into her it may be something we move towards. Not yet though.

She's been having terrible nosebleeds. Gross, heavy, unpredictable bleeds. Yuck.  Doc ordered some tests and we were at Cook Children's for longer than expected.

We did a Baclofen trial several years ago and it didn't go well. After the test, Libby couldn't walk- that was back when she could still walk. I can remember saying to our Doc after last trial that I "didn't want to risk her mobility" and he reminded me that one day I might reconsider. Yep, reconsidering. I bargained back then. 

My bargaining happens within my heart as I reach up and out to Powers bigger than me. I am brutally frank!during these discussions because my God never lies to me. 

Years ago- Please, keep Libby's legs moving, we can't carry her.  
Well, turns out we can.

Then- Please keep Liberty's bowels and urination normal. Just let that cup pass without touching her and I'll not complain about lifting her.   
Well, turns out I can handle incontinence pretty well. (High level of suckage though! What college kid wants to worry about THAT happening in class?) Geez!

Next- Please don't let Libby waste, help me keep a healthy weight on her. 
Now I get it. This is human error.

There have been many times in my life where I have found myself offering deals to my higher power.  "Please, please don't let_______ happen.  If it doesn't happen then I'll not ever complain about ________.  This is not an equal exchange, it is bargaining.  When bargaining, someone seems to come up with less than desired.

As a flawed person, I can't offer bargains. I don't think anyone can. We do this when we know something is the truth and don't want to accept it. We make offers that we mostly can't fulfill.  I don't complain outloud about lifting Liberty or about completely bizarre and erratic inability to control her pee, but I yell it in my heart. 

" I didn't sign up for this!" Or "Come on, give us a break!" And "what am I doing wrong that this is happening?" Closely following "what can I give up to stop this?"  

I believe that I can't stop or control how Liberty's disease progresses. Aside from food, pills, and potty times, I don't have control.  

I have to trust that although the road may be ugly and hard, we are loved and supported.  I don't have to worry about tomorrow, no bargains needed, as we have love and support.

 Lyme, Parkinson's, and Dystonia suck and they are hateful adversary's who are busy stealing Liberty away.  I can't bargain against evil, instead I will rejoice in hope. 

No, I am not giving up.  I will always "rage" against the progression of Libby's condition. 
Always with hope- even when it's audaciously hard. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Six Year Diagnosi-versary

I     It was a lifetime ago when we got one of the best and yet convoluted phone calls ever.  The call that meant that Liberty had a diagnosis-finally.  We had something to fight against and a possible direction to follow. 
     After months of testing, while Libby lost the ability to walk, talk, and feed herself, and many, many specialists we had a positive.  She tested positive for a test that the eye doctor had ordered; positive for Lyme disease.  That doctor's nurse was happy to tell me that after a round of antibiotics she should "be just fine".   I called our Neurologist and told his nurse. We got an excited return call as Dr. Acosta believed that she would return to a new kind of normal if we could stop the brain atrophy from continuing.  
     We began massive amounts of research and queries into what we now know is the world of Lyme.  Because the American Medical Association doesn't believe that Chronic Lyme exists, there aren't  accessible treatments. In the eastern and south eastern parts of the U.S. Specialists exist that believe that even after Lyme has been attacking the body for years you can be "cured".   Libby has had several regular rounds of antibiotics and IV antibiotics for 30 days. Nothing changed. You can't grow back part of the brain that has died. 
**New research continues for Chronic Lyme.  
      Our reality is different.  Lyme gave us a seriously atrophied brain and a greatly compromised neurological system.  Then came the diagnosis' of Parkinson's, Dystonia, severe spasticity, ataxia and speech apraxia.   Cycles of meds, tests, medical staffing, more tests and new meds have left us with a pretty good idea of where we stand. 
      Our most recent evil gift is Detrusor Sphincter Dyssynergia; Libby's brain and her bladder/colon do not communicate on a consistent basis.  A bathroom, fluid/food schedule, and preparedness are our current method of defense.  I have to admit that this part sucks on a whole new level. 
      She's had years of speech, physical and occupational therapies that have given me a love/hate relationship with these wonderful professionals.  Mention "therapy" to Liberty and she will give you an ugly look. 
       Sometimes I wonder what our life would be like if we didn't get that initial diagnosis.  Would she still be here? What treatments and meds would we have pumped her full of trying to keep her alive and going?   Knowing your enemy is better than not. 
      
      The good news is that her brain has been stable and no new signs of atrophy since the last scans.  Not willing to lose more of her.  
     The other news is that Parkinson's and Dystonia continue to ravage her body, but we have an every three month regimen of Botox, five time a day pill schedule, and her Deep Brain Stimulators that we check/charge daily.  
In the future she may get a baclofen pump and maybe surgical relaxation of her hands.  
     Most importantly is that she is stil here. Her beautiful personality shines past everything. There are things that happen in life that truly aren't fair. Things happen that just suck and that aren't deserved. I have taken the blame for her infection and her illness in the eyes of many.  I wish I could take her illness from her, but I can't.  I would give anything to carry this for her, but I can't. I can only continue to be her voice, her muscle, and her advocate.  
      In the six years Libby graduated from high school, I completed two Master's Degrees, Rachael has almost completed her Doctorate, and after several changes in degree plans, Mariah is nearing the end of her college time.  I can't say that I have regrets for the last six years as I believe we have done our very best for Liberty medically, socially, educationally, and emitionally. There are so many things that could have happened to this child and I am always grateful to have had the chance to fight for her.  
     We continue to be blessed and know that we make choices everyday to live the best life we possibly can and to not let our circumstances determine out outcomes.  I believe in hope. 
Happy diagnosi-versary. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Gettin' schooled

The time is almost here. In just a few too short days school will be back in session.  I am ready to meet my new loves. Ready for the chance that every teacher gets to start over.  Ready to make a difference. 

Despite all the calls and appointments there is still so much in the air for Liberty. Her transportation, her attendant care agencies, and her newest doctor.  I wanted everything ready before her college years begin.  No such luck.   Letting other people take her, even though they are amazing and loved?  Ughhhh.  Isn't this the same issue that all parents face when it comes to sending an adult child into the world? 
Deep breath.
This morning we met with a Urologist.   There are a few things that we keep very close when it comes to Liberty's struggle.  We have tried to keep her dignity and  "princessness".  The inability to potty as needed and predictably, one and two, has been an issue for a long while.  We have a potty schedule and try to get as much fluid down as possible, but remember that she doesn't swallow well so drinking is difficult. That means that her fluids are thickened by additives which cause other issues. Frequency and unpredictability added to her constant fear of falling, especially in new bathrooms makes for greater challenges.  So, we have been waiting to see this new doctor since June.   

<http://www.pdf.org/en/spring07_gastrointestinal_and_urinary_dysfunction_in_pd>
Libby will be going through several tests in September and we will go from there.  Our goal is to keep her basic body functions working so that she has as much of a normal experience as is possible.  

Jennifer, Mariah and Grandma Linda have done an amazing job practicing to take full care of the Princess of Enigma. I am grateful and I wish I had more money to pay you what it is worth.   And Mariah, I have tried very hard to keep you active in Liberty's life while not having you be your "sisters' keeper". Yet, I am grateful that the schedule between your classes and Libby's will work out. Jennifer and Linda, it amazes me how your schedules and willingness coincide with times when Liberty needs help. 

I am allowing  myself a little more time to be on edge and worry.   My kid wanted to be in a dorm, she wanted to "go off to college" with her friends, and be independent. That is not our reality. 

 I have to keep in mind the blessing that Libby is here and has a chance to go to college.  She has a chance and I will make sure that she gets where she needs to be.  
I know that as long as we are doing what we should everything will work out; I'd just like a few more ducks in a row and more of a coherent plan in place.  We are trying.   We are damn sure trying. 
Meanwhile, I'm just a mom of an incoming freshman who is starting college and I'm supposed to let go.   (For this picture I endured a lot of whining and had to implement some bribery.) 

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Libby's Story

In the past several weeks we have met two new doctors, two new therapists, and Libby has attracted several admirers.  She seems to gather people to her and each one, whether new professional or random passerby wants to know her story.  It used to feel like a bite was being taken out of me every time I told the story.  Now, it is a review process that allows me the chance to remember and remind myself of how far we have come.

Libby was born on her due date perfectly normal.  She had RSV a couple of times as was going around in 1999, other than that no problems.
She met every cognitive and physical measure early including crawling out of her crib at 9 months.  She was so adventurous that she could have been hurt many times.  Libby loved to climb and hide. She would climb up anything she could, including bookcases, weight racks, and later tops of cars and trees.  She earned the nick name "Eagle Eye" as she is able to see things others miss. 
If there was a way to push the boundary, she would find it. She is the personification of her name in every way.  She didn't care about rules and hated being told to speak to people on command, and Lord help you if you wanted her to hug someone.  Liberty didn't perform on command.  Now, let her listen to a song once or twice and she would memorize it.  By four I could challenge her to see if she could memorize a song faster than me.   I could begin a song lyric and she would finish it.
We were outside people. We camped, hiked, worked in Palo Duro Canyon, and Geo-cached everywhere we could.   It was no big deal for us to play in the water in the Canyon, or return from hiking, and then check each other for bites.  It's awkward, but it is what you do, especially when the grasses are taller than your kid.  This is the Texas Panhandle and if the heat and cold don't kill you, then there are plenty of things that'll bite you.

5th grade, Libby was Commended in her Reading, was rocking her trumpeting skills in band, singing in front of everyone every week at church, and working on her basketball skills. The math and physical coordination genes did miss this kid.  Math and coordination did not come naturally. Socially, she preferred animals to people and would rather play than play girly stuff.  She is my little wolf.  
The night we returned from our last big camping trip, where we had been to Southern Utah in 2007 and Libby had what we believe was a seizure.   Mariah woke us up and seeing Libby mid-seize on the top bunk changed everything.  We headed to the nearest hospital by ambulance and our testing trials began.  Even though there was blood taken, there was little analysis and we were only given advice to get her seen by someone who deals with seizures.  We brought up several times the long camping trip and the land, lakes, and streams we had been swimming, fishing, and hiking in.  

The next morning we were sitting in our pediatrician's office and were then sent with referrals to get the EEG and EKG to see if there was anything neurologically wrong.  Over the next year Libby had visited hospitals in Amarillo and Lubbock had three more seizures, many EKG and EEG's, MRI's, sleep studies, and lots of blood work.  Nothing.  Everything came back normal.  We carried paperwork that stated she had an Undiagnosed Seizure disorder.

In November of 2007, Libby's Grandpa Collins left us.  She didn't cry for months.   She stopped drawing and writing her stories.

The next year, 2008-2009, 6th grade seemed fairly normal. August, 2008, we lost her Grandfather Jennings. Her big sister, Mariah, was a senior and the world was changing, so normal may be the wrong term.  Looking back there were many signs that something was affecting Liberty neurologically.  You don't know what you don't know. Her speech showed some weirdness, where she would drop off parts of words.  Interestingly, her singing remained outstanding.  Her ability to play her trumpet at the high level she had before remained the static, except for sometimes she showed an inability to sustain the breath needed.    Her handwriting got weird, really weird.    But this is the kid who invented her own writing that was only to be read by animals with paws when she was three or four, so weird handwriting- eh.  She started sneaking spoons to school in her lunch box instead of forks.  She also started using bendy straws, we call them "sick straws" as well.  Her shirts had some weird stains and I would find them hidden in weird places. She tried to shave her legs for the first time and called me crying because she had cut her leg, also not unusual.  Now, when she decided to use a razor to trim her eyebrow and called me with a thug looking brown into the bathroom, I took the razor away from the kid who was shaking.  Once we made it through Mariah's graduation and summer hit, we got Libby into singing lessons.  We did elocution practice at home, as well as some handwriting review.  We spent that summer building up Libby's self-esteem.  (I thought she was acting out because of the loss of her Grandpa and her sister graduating.)

I noticed a tremor in her hands and started watching her blood sugars and eating patterns.  Diabetes runs in my family. I noticed that she spilled food a lot and had trouble drinking unless she used a straw.   She had probably been having hand tremors for a while and had hid it.

In July, 2009, she started her menstrual cycle.  In August she passed her yearly Pediatric check-up and we were reminded to keep an eye on her emotions as she may be depressed and reacting to Mariah and many changes.  She also passed her athletic physical to play basketball and tennis.

We went on a regular hike, a long hot hike, and I basically had to carry Libby back.  She said her left leg hurt and didn't feel right.  I thought she was being a princess butt and was tired.

7th grade started and her teachers began contacting us about changes they were noticing in Libby.  She was referred to a local psychiatrist.  I made an appointment for the middle of October to check in with our Pediatrician. The school's diagnostician did some cognitive tests and called me on October 2, 2009, my 39th birthday.  She said that she thought that what was going on with Libby was biological and that she thought something was wrong.

By the end of the first six weeks of her 7th grade year, 2009-2010, Libby was falling a lot, her left arm was curling in whenever she ran, she couldn't get a spoon to her mouth, she couldn't rinse out her hair, her handwriting was illegible, her speech was disintegrating and she collapsed one day on the way home from school.  An ambulance brought her to the nearest clinic, her Pediatrician's clinic and all tests showed nothing.  She must be very tired.

We saw our regular doctor and then more test at the hospital in Amarillo, then on to Lubbock.  The Neurologist was in Lubbock, the same one that we had seen for the seizures. We were referred to Cook Children's in Ft. Worth.  We arrived on a Thursday evening in November, by now we are helping her shower, dress and feed herself.    That Friday, the first doctor we saw referred us to another and ordered tests.  We were to go home, pack, and return on Monday prepared for a long stay.

We were in the hospital for 14 days.  During that time every sort of test you can imagine was run. At first, they thought she had a very progressive form of early onset Multiple Sclerosis, or Huntington's, or a form of Palsy, maybe she had gone through multiple strokes, ALS, Wilson's, Meningitis, HIV, and more that we cannot even remember. Libby had blood tests, EKG, EEG, Lumbar puncture, Liver biopsy, more blood tests, and an MRI with and without resolution.

The MRI showed an area in her right frontal lobe the size of quarter which had undergone atrophy or necrosis.  Her brain was also smaller than it should be. Basically, that portion was dead and not working.  This area had been missed by all the other MRI machines she had been in.  The one at Cook Children's had more power or resolution.  What our doctor, Libby named him Dr. Hottie, said is that something had probably been killing that part of her brain for a long time and that she had slowly been losing her fine and major motor skills for all of that time.  It had finally reached a critical mass and that is why it seemed like she had fallen apart all at once.

Her Lumbar puncture showed something, a possible form of Encephalitis. He gathered a crew of specialists, including a Geneticist, who did all of the background testing possible.  Down to requesting the chemical results from our water system here at home in Happy.  They also had Carbon Dioxide detectors placed in our house just to make sure.  We asked again if she could have caught something during our outdoor exploits.

We were told at a staffing, think of the TV show "House", to start thinking about whether we wanted quality or quantity of life for Libby.  We were released on Thanksgiving Day, 2009, with two more referrals back home, therapy referrals, a prescription for a Parkinson's medication, Sinemet, and follow up appointments at Cook Children's.  We were told to get her baptized and prepare our family, at the rate her degeneration was progressing we didn't have much time.

The first appointment was a basic eye appointment further testing for Wilson's, or other genetic abnormalities.  Christmas happened.  New Years happened.  We were in shock and grateful to be home.  My little wolf cub doesn't do well in captivity.  On January 2, we saw an Opthmologist.  After going through the whole background, he performed his regular eye exams and asked if she had been tested for Lyme disease.  He ordered blood tests, didn't know eye doctor's could do that, for Cat Scratch Fever, Lyme, and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.

January 10, 2010 the results came back positive for Lyme through the ELISA Lyme test.  I called our doc at Cook Children's and left a message about the results.  He called back and said this could have been caused by Lyme. Our local Pediatric doc and Dr. Hottie agreed to a two week course of antibiotics to cure her of Lyme.  That is what the American Medical Association, AMA, recommends.

She wasn't cured.  We began researching immediately and found that there are cases world wide of terrible unexplained illnesses that have been traced back to Lyme. We also learned of governments' world-wide not treating Chronic or long term Lyme.   We also learned that there should have been a bulls-eye rash followed by flu like symptoms, although the bulls-eye rash does not appear in about half of the Lyme cases.  Libby never had a rash.  When camping, we showered in two's.  After hiking we checked each other.  Many, many cases of Lyme go unnoticed because there is no rash and no flu like symptoms.   We also learned that Lyme was rare in our area.  We also learned that many people die because Lyme likes to attack hearts.  Libby's heart is still good.  Her neurological state has been decimated.

We have continued to get our main treatments and testing done in Ft. Worth.  Each time there may be a new specialist to meet, different tests to be done, new meds to try, something.  In 2012, we met with a Pediatric Rheumatologist and an Immunologist.  They ordered a PIC line and a six week protocol of heavy duty antibiotics, since that was then what the American Medical Association recommended for tougher cases of Lyme.  She wasn't cured.

She has never tested positive for anything else.  Most gratefully she has not had any other seizures.

We have had our genes mapped and there is nothing genetically wrong with her.  She has been diagnosed with Secondary Parkinson's, Spasticity, Ataxia, Speech Apraxia, and my least favorite, Dystonia.   On medical paperwork she has Arthropod Borne Encephalitis.   Because her body has progressed in its muscular retraction and contraction, Libby now has Deep Brain Stimulator's.  We get the battery charge adjusted every three months, along with Botox injections.

She has had two sets of AFO leg braces, lots of hand braces and a neck brace.  We are on our second wheelchair and are looking into a third. we have gone through three different therapy places and are starting on our fourth.

She takes Sinemet, Baclofen, and Chlonazepam.  What started as a turned in left hand, has travelled to her left leg, then foot, then right hand, then right leg, the right foot, and her neck.  Parkinson's has given us an additional gift with swallowing issues that are made worse by the Botox that loosens up the rest of her body.

Libby's left foot has reached 90% Achille's contracture and we will be having bi-lateral tendon release in just over a week.   Then we can work on walking more.  We may also have a similar surgery done on her hands.  Anything to help her move better.

Before her DBS she wanted to dance at her prom and walk the stage, she's done both. 

Tomorrow we go for her required Department of Aging and Rehabilitative services Neuro Cognitive testing.  They have to prove whether or not she is employable in order to provide services.  We have to go through DARS to help get services for Libby and college.  DARS is the gatekeeper to many services for Libby.   We really still don't know how life after high school will look for her, but we do know that she will have a life.

Liberty wants to be an artist.  Her body is degenerating at a progressive rate and yet her mind and her personality are still there.  She has hopes and dreams and is the toughest person I know.  This is not my story to tell, this is hers.  We are still learning Liberty.


Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Seniors

 Can't tell you the grab bag of emotions this year has brought. 
Libby is a senior in high school.  Yep, a senior. When Mariah hit her senior year I was not prepared for the mixture of emotions.  Still not prepared. 
Senior yearbook picture day


Pep rally

Super hero day during homecoming week.

Homecoming parade 

Libby waving to other seniors as they cheered just for her.  This was her senior ring ceremony and when we got up there for her turn the announcer asked her name. I jokingly responded that she prefers "your Majesty" but Princess Liberty would do.  He announced her as Princess Liberty and everyone cheered. This was a heart changer.  Libby isn't here for me. I think she is still here to illustrate resilience.   We've really pushed her this first six weeks attending lots of activities and doing the full
Senior thing.  Such a beautiful experience for most parents, beyond for me.   During Mariah's senior year I was terrified I hadn't taught Mariah enough and fearful with a dash of excitement about her future, with Libby I can't think past this year.   Focussing on each day.  We didn't have a guarantee that she'd still be here. 

Libby has been invited to join National Honor Society, even though she is on an altered graduation plan.  
She has also asked to join Key Club. Both groups require community service and so I get to push her to give back, just as Mariah did.  Learning to serve is an unbelievable blessing. 

The DBS seems to have loosened her up more while she continues to need more
Chlonopin to be functional.   We have noticed that she complains much more, to us, about pain.  I believe she is feeling more and recognizing these feelings due to the DBS.  She is also a typical moody 17 year old.  We return in December for another increase and a Botox session.   She needs it.   The Dystonia and Parkinson's continue to wreak havoc on her legs and feet.  Hoping to find a therapist this month, because she needs to be as mobile as possible for as long as  possible. 

Our sweet babies sharing a night in their "boat" for my birthday.  How can you not love this?  Blessed.   
Libby is a senior in high school, and I think she is making a difference in many lives.