More Construction

Part 2- Under Construction 

This long update is filled with broken roads I didn’t intend to go down.  

(It took me this much time to get a hold on my stupidity. Being embarrassed doesn’t cover it.)

Several weeks ago, Friday the 12th of April, I was in a small slow wreck downtown.  I don’t like to leave campus during the day, but I needed to get the race packet for a 5k I had registered for.  This was the first time I have driven downtown since I had another fender bender back on September 27th, 2023. As I was driving I was telling myself that “it’ll be okay and I won’t make the wrong turn again.”  

And damn it, I did just like that.  

The same damn blind spot on my left peripheral vision as I scraped the driver’s side door. The other lady’s car had a few scratches: she was so kind to me.  No one was hurt, but I was in shock.  I am sorry to have squandered other peoples time and the damage on her car.  It was a very slow, slow wreck.  I couldn’t even dial my emergency contacts for Mariah.  I managed to contact one of the principals, Mr. Saker, who came to help me.  I shook on and off for several hours into the night.  

Had to get help to call Mariah.  Having to call your daughter to tell her you’ve been in yet another fender bender isn’t great. 

I was embarrassed as who else could this happen to?    I mean seriously.  I was not on my phone or anything like that.  In the wreck in September, there was no one willing to help me to be had.  I felt greatly alone. 

This time I felt like I was surrounded by angels who just wanted to remind me that there is help around me. I am praying and delving into how this could have happened again with my therapist.  I am just so grateful, and still quite rattled.  The gentlemen who are working on my car reminded me that “sometimes shit just happens.”

I have struggled since the April the 12th with my self esteem.   I am capable of great things, so why did I do something so stupid?  (Glad to have a therapist to guide me.)

 I am in a rental until I get info about my Subaru.  I have been forcing myself to drive more and more  to get my anxiety under control  while I’m driving the rental. 

I am also going to an eye doctor and a full checkup just to make sure there isn’t something more going on with my eye sight. 

I promise I am trying to be careful every day, and every way. I am not a complete idiot: I promise.   Thank you for your friendship and support.   

Under Construction

         

 I’m currently under construction hopefully to be stronger and better.  

The info: 1/30/2022 to Apr 20, 2024 is 811 days since Liberty left her body on this earth. 

Also on 4/20/24 will be 200 days sober. In the next 20 school days, I will become a Longhorn Legend as I will have been here for 20 years.

20 days until school is out and, we begin summer school.

I made a big decision to consolidate my debt and begin paying more on my debts on February 6th.  I did take up a lot of debt when the divorce went through.  That was my choice, so I needed a better system to get this debt paid off.  This also means that I do not have any extra money in case of an emergency.  I believe it will be okay.  

I had planned to move from the apartment in May, but after a minor assault on February 18.  A man I did not know followed me from the parking lot of my apartment, then up the three flights of stairs, and grabbed a part of my body that he had no right to touch.   I had my cat, Monkey, in his carrier as he had been visiting some other cats.  He was in my left hand, and my keys were in my right hand in a defense stance. Over and over.  I kept saying “NO! NO! NO!   It all happened so fast.  He raced down the stairs and disappeared.  None of my neighbors came out to figure what was happening.  

I moved out on March 11th. I needed to wait to get a plan for moving. The police and apartment managers were aware. The male was put in jail weeks after I moved out.  There were five other females this man had touched and/or followed in our apartment complex.  These are just the ones we knew of.   

I am happily co-habitating and I am safe. Grateful to have been able to experienceliving alone. 

It’s going to be okay.  I am so grateful that nothing worse happened.   Monkey was okay.  I was okay. 

My short term memory is doing better.  I have been so worried about this.  Grateful for the breakthrough a few weeks ago. That gives me great relief and hope. 

I made many silent promises while Liberty was leaving this world, and none of this was following these promises.  I have been trying to be careful.  Thank you for your kind understanding as I am a “cracked” work in process.  Special thanks to Mariah and Heather who have been supportive and understanding while I try to work through these recent events.  My guardian angel has to be worn out.  

https://youtu.be/FaQHyHwFgeg?si=GnS80yfNk0XhG3H1

Long term grief is real.  I will continue to keep tryng to be better, and be more careful.  I am trying.  There are some people who will hold this against me, and I pray I am wrong about that.  I am completely human and fallible, but I am trying.