New Balance: Lagom

Rachael and I returned to working in the brick and

mortar classroom on our campuses. We have been

training, collaborating, planning, and researching.

We are organizing, cleaning out, and arranging

student seats. We are re-imagining, re-learning,

re-trying, and re-tooling education. We are comparing

masks and how to keep our glasses from fogging

and our nostrils from drying out.  This is a relentlessly

stress filled, overwhelming time for teachers and yet

it’s exciting! Nevertheless, it is good to be on campus

with my peers preparing for my future Loves to join us.

My fellow teachers, administrators, and staff bless

me every day and make me a better person. 

The flip side of this is that I am not with Libby every

day now.  I am at school and she is either with Mariah

or Jennifer depending on the day. This is hard as I have

not ever had the chance to spend this much time with

either of my children. I have spent my parenting years

working at least one job and going to school for my own education.  I lost a lot of time with my girls.

The last five months have been challenging

and a great blessing. I didn't get to see Mariah as much,

but we were able to talk more. There are many other words to convey what this time meant for me, but words fail me.Truly a stressful godsend to have that time with her.  She is now up several pounds and has filled out quite a bit! She is even wearing some adult-sized clothes again.  

After her drastic weight loss a year and a half ago, I went through her clothes but held on to many that I hoped she would gain back the weight needed.  That alone is wonderful as we have scaled back on the number of tube feedings she gets in a day. She got her tube replaced last week and we were lucky to get her in when we did- right before the tube popped out.   I'll continue to monitor her intake and struggles with Parkinson's swallow to adjust her caloric

intake as needed.

The stress is real in the land of education. The level of uncertainty as we create new norms in education is real and overwhelming. The cognitive load is great and overwhelming. Yet, we will preserver. We will learn and adapt and do what is needed for our students, parents and peers.

Beautiful teachers stay strong. We can do this.

To all reading this please that you are loved and are worth far more than you know. 

Ileana

Home is a state of mind not a building

During our July quick trip to Albuquerque and back, one song kept popping up on the playlist.  I am super sensitive to music and what it says to me, so I couldn't hear this song.  It went through the playlist three times before I finally, on top of Sandia Crest, let it play.    

http://youtu.be/DQYNM6SjD_o

"The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert

It was this time four months ago that I was desperately searching for a group living home, assisted living, nursing company, resources, and general help to get my disabled 68 year old mother out of the home, that was falling apart, which she had grown up in.  To get her out of the place she planned to grow old in, before the probate, taxes and Medicaid took it.  This was four months after losing her mother, my Grandmother.  Mom had a time to be out by before the house was sold.  Preferably with as little fighting and pain filled drama as possible. 

**This is at the same time that Libby has her senior prom, is applying to colleges and for college support, and we, as teachers, are finishing up state testing and the beginning of the end of the year rush.   And Libby's graduation was looming, like the Hindenburg over my head. We were stretched in many, many ways. 

 I was calling, searching, and pleading for help and asking my mom repeatedly what she wanted, on coherent and also rougher days. She has physical and emotional problems which had gone irregularity treated, mostly because of her own fears and stubbornness.   **I am not one who she has ever before allowed to help her with her medical issues.**

At the end of April we got a call from the dad of a young man that Mariah graduated with. He owns rent houses and we all had a long conversation. He had a house that he was just putting back together. It hadn't been lived in since the 70's and needed everything.  Electric, water, sewage, paint, and even more. He said it might be a month, or more.  The earliest would be the 15th of May. 

Meanwhile, my mom, not always my fan, was caught in an angry and guilt ridden down-ward spiral. She was losing her home and didn't want to go.  She was terrified and called me everyday crying and then later angry and then later hurt. My mom has hurt people and been hurt. 

Hurt people- hurt people.

I had her name on three assisted living waiting lists, a plan to move in with my brother in Garland, and was just treading water.  Our landlord friend called and told us that if we could do the intensive cleaning, a little painting, and if mom could live without some things: flushing the toilet and water in the kitchen sink, then she could rent the house now.  By that Saturday morning, 5/2, we had a rented truck and a small army of friends loading her up.  

I had been packing several evenings a week based from a list of what was for-sure Mom's, until the official inventory and probate stuff was finalized. 

So, by May 2nd at 5:00, she was living in Happy.  We had all utilities hooked up within the week.   We did everything we could to be careful and leave the house without anything extra. We vacuumed- until the vacuum died-  and cleaned up/organized what was left, as best we could under the U-Haul time frame.  We had to unroll the chain link fence to get furniture out, around the locked parked cars, and had arranged to get it reconnected when we all had payday in two weeks.  I had paid for the fence to be fixed and apologized for any wrong-doing.    In my heart we were doing what we needed to, which was to get my mom out of the house before the due date and with as little drama and hurt feelings as possible. 

I was so relieved and excited to have had the chance to get my mom into emotional safety.   We got her connected to home health care, took her to the doctor, eye doctor, and began taking care of her. 

Things with the rest of the family have been ugly since then: blocked from Facebook, some police involvement against me, and since I moved Mom I have lost much of my family as have both of my daughters.   No blood family came to Libby's graduation, besides her sister, and she noticed. 

My mom has never really lived alone, taken care of her bills, been on a true medication schedule; we are working on it. This involves schedules and trust.   She doesn't trust anyone now. We are working on it. She is learning that "Home" is where she is loved and safe, not where she feels guilt, anger, shame, fear, more guilt, betrayal, and familiarity.  

 We are four months in, as of 9/2, and it is ugly and beautiful.   Mom has been more REAL and closer to functional than she has been for many years. 

There are so many blessings to be enjoyed and thankful for, much more than the materialistic stuff and blame that we can cast.   I willingly take the blame for all and ask that we move on.  This has been horrible. 

I asked everyone in January to remember Grandmother's words that, "it isn't how  people treat you that you will be judged for, it is how we treat them in return".  I had hope and I had faith. I miss my grandmother so bad that when I let her cross my mind I can't breathe. I am who I am because of her.  

I am full of hope that at some point this will all work itself out. I pray that the pain, anger, and grief that families fire at each other is eventually released and all can move on. Stuff is just stuff.  It is all too easy to attach grief to material objects.  

I know that I have many to protect, nourish, love, and take care of. I pray that everything comes to an end once the house that built me is sold. Maybe then we can move on. (It may have already sold, I don't know.) Maybe then we can treat each other as the delicate and damaged people that we are and move forward. 

Home is where we feel safe, accepted, and are loved.   

I know I'm stupid, but I believe that imperfect humans can love, and then hurt, and then love other imperfect humans. Isn't that why we are all imperfect?  

Again, I apologize to everyone I hurt in the process and how I have messed things up.   Truly the best hopes of a peaceful ending, logistics of waiting lists, and me taking on what I needed to were my hearts desire.  Plus, I believe that everyone deserves to be loved today, based on today.  We have a lot depending on us and we have willingly embraced.

Today is four months for my Mom and a new day.  Everyday it is hard and yet, we keep trying. We have to. We will be blessed and be a blessing.