http://youtu.be/wuyzrqEA2DQ. "Red headed stranger"
On January 24th the love of my life left this world. I was so very blessed to have been there with her and to have been able to sing her the songs she loved as she peacefully left us. "Angel flying too close to the ground"
Her funeral was beautiful, getting to see my cousins was beautiful, everyone that could be there was there. My beautiful cousins were there, along with my brother. It was a great opportunity to share our memories and the loss of our pain
But no one, not any one person will ever understand the deep systemic hole that has been left within me. She gave me the best of who I have become. Most of my drive has come from my desire to make her proud and live up to who she thought I should be.
She gave me everything and I have spent many years trying to repay her. She had been preparing me for her departure for years. Telling me that no one, family or other, could tear me apart unless I let them. That I am tougher than I know. And that after the second or third time I bathed her, she was done. She said, "if it's come to this then It's my time...". And then she'd ask me why I wasn't at school. And I'd say, "I'm here to help you..." And she reply, "you better go do what you are supposed to do. Don't you have some students to teach?"..... Yes ma'am. Yes ma'am I do. I learned to read and write before I was 5, sitting on her 6th grade educated and gnarled knee. (As care of Libby has increased, I became unable to provide Grabdmother the help she needed; I sure did try though.)
"that wasn't me"- she never gave up on me.
*****
I took the chance to share these thoughts during her funeral and here are the notes-----
We are all a part of a tremendously strong legacy.
I am a part of every woman here who have sewn into me their love, their hope, their strengths, their failures, faults and fears, but mostly I have the stubbornness to never, ever give up-sewn into me.
Too many times my conversations with grandmother would begin-
Me-Grandmother what should I do?
Grandmother- Well, now, that depends on what you've gotten yourself into.
(Then I would explain and tell her how
I had taken a leap, of one kind or another, and fallen flat- or worse, feared I would fail. And she'd tell me,
Grandmother- One thing I know is that you'll never go backwards, so you might as well keep moving on.
Me- but I've ....
Grandmother- one stupid mistake doesn't make you stupid, just don't make a habit of it.
Me-But what if I fail? I don't want to disappoint you- again.
Grandmother- I would be more
Disappointed if you never tried.
Me- but would you still love me if...
Granmothee- there is no if. There is always.
So, she has sewn in to me and so many others the strength to dream and doubt, believe and fail, love and be hurt and get up the next morning to begin again.
She taught me to laugh when I'm scared, walk into every room with my back straight and my shoulders squared and face forward.
When I failed, stumbled, face planted in my life, she told me that these were stumbling blocks and when I was ready I'd find my way to do what I'm supposed to do.
She taught me it's okay to be poor, but not trashy- capable, but not proud. Pretty is on the inside and ugliness seeps out and spreads.
She taught me to be kinder than you have to, give more than you thought you could, and fill a need when you see it.
She taught me that we are going to be held responsible for how we treat others, not how they treated us, "cuz you can't control anyone but yourself and for most of us that's a stretch anyhow."
She taught me forgiveness, by forgiving. She taught me to believe, by believing and to love, by loving.
Mostly, she has shown me patience and forgiveness. And a lifetime of my gratitude will never be enough.
Thank you, Grandmother, for every ounce of my stubbornness and I promise to keep doing what you always said I would- I'll teach every day as if it were my last-
as if a beautiful soul like Geneva May Farley Bumpus is in every seat.
And the greatest of these seeded blessings is a love to dance. So if you see me dancing randomly, maybe I'm dancing with grandmother who's come to sharpen up my waltz.
*******
I have told a few of my students that the reason I am there is because I need to teach and because they are supposed to teach me something. Until I KNOW it's time to move on I'll be "doing what I'm supposed to do" which is teach.
Gratitude. Humility. Hope.
There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?"
Erin Hanson
