More Construction

Part 2- Under Construction 

This long update is filled with broken roads I didn’t intend to go down.  

Last week, Friday the 12th of April, I was in a small slow wreck downtown.  I don’t like to leave campus during the day, but I needed to get the race packet for a 5k I had registered for.  This was the first time I have driven downtown since I had another fender bender back on September 27th, 2023. As I was driving I was telling myself that “it’ll be okay and I won’t make the wrong turn again.”  

And damn it, I did just like that.  

The same damn blind spot on my left peripheral vision as I scraped the driver’s side door. The other lady’s car had a few scratches: she was so kind to me.  No one was hurt, but I was in shock.  I am sorry to have squandered other peoples time and the damage on her car.  It was a very slow, slow wreck.  I couldn’t even dial my emergency contacts for Mariah.  I managed to contact one of the principals, Mr. Saker, who came to help me.  I shook on and off for several hours into the night.  

I was embarrassed as who else could this happen to?    I mean seriously.  I was not on my phone or anything like that.  In the wreck in September, there was no one willing to help me to be had.  I felt greatly alone. This time I felt like I was surrounded by angels who just wanted to remind me that there is help around me. I am praying and delving into how this could have happened again with my therapist.  I am just so grateful, and still quite rattled.  The gentlemen who are working on my car reminded me that “sometimes shit just happens.”

Under Construction

         

 I’m currently under construction hopefully to be stronger and better.  

The info: 1/30/2022 to Apr 20, 2024 is 811 days since Liberty left her body on this earth. 

Also on 4/20/24 will be 200 days sober. In the next 20 school days, I will become a Longhorn Legend as I will have been here for 20 years.

20 days until school is out and, we begin summer school.

I made a big decision to consolidate my debt and begin paying more on my debts on February 6th.  I did take up a lot of debt when the divorce went through.  That was my choice, so I needed a better system to get this debt paid off.  This also means that I do not have any extra money in case of an emergency.  I believe it will be okay.  

I had planned to move from the apartment in May, but after a minor assault on February 18.  A man I did not know followed me from the parking lot of my apartment, then up the three flights of stairs, and grabbed a part of my body that he had no right to touch.   I had my cat, Monkey, in his carrier as he had been visiting some other cats.  He was in my left hand, and my keys were in my right hand in a defense stance. Over and over.  I kept saying “NO! NO! NO!   It all happened so fast.  He raced down the stairs and disappeared.  None of my neighbors came out to figure what was happening.  

I moved out on March 11th. I needed to wait to get a plan for moving. The police and apartment managers were aware. The male was put in jail weeks after I moved out.  There were five other females this man had touched and/or followed in our apartment complex.  These are just the ones we knew of.   

I am happily co-habitating and I am safe. Grateful to have been able to experienceliving alone. 

It’s going to be okay.  I am so grateful that nothing worse happened.   Monkey was okay.  I was okay. 

My short term memory is doing better.  I have been so worried about this.  Grateful for the breakthrough a few weeks ago. That gives me great relief and hope. 

I made many silent promises while Liberty was leaving this world, and none of this was following these promises.  I have been trying to be careful.  Thank you for your kind understanding as I am a “cracked” work in process.  Special thanks to Mariah and Heather who have been supportive and understanding while I try to work through these recent events.  My guardian angel has to be worn out.  

https://youtu.be/FaQHyHwFgeg?si=GnS80yfNk0XhG3H1

Long term grief is real.  I will continue to keep tryng to be better, and be more careful.  I am trying.  There are some people who will hold this against me, and I pray I am wrong about that.  I am completely human and fallible, but I am trying. 

Fly High

Fly High. Sing Loud. Be Brave.  

Tomorrow, 30th of January, it will be the 2nd anniversary of Liberty’s Home Going.  I don’t have a lot to share.  It’s been a Achielean feet in this last two year.  Some days Liberty’s passing was many years ago, otherdays, the loss of her leaving is screaming in my heart. I can let pity come by, but it cannot stay.  Then there are the gift of feeling her dancing, and hear her singing.   She is with us in her own ways.  

I am grateful for a great therapist who has guided me to unravel my grief.  Having her on my journey has been a gift. 

I wanted to thank of you who have surrounded me with kindness and support during this month and all days.  I know I have a pack of people who also love Liberty: I share my love with you.  

The Wisdom of Wolves

Found this book and had to share it with all. 

https://www.livingwithwolves.org/about/about-the-founders/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygmhbi6PtdM

“Working Wild U”

https://www.elli-radinger.de/the-wisdom-of-wolves/

Libby’s Music to Share

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/libbys-celebration/pl.u-11zBXDbfN4LPANq

Thank you Rachael Collins for your beautiful words for our sweet girl.  I will always be grateful to you. 

Obituary

Liberty Alaine Farley Jennings, 25, of Happy, passed away on January 30, 2022. She was surrounded in love by her family as she broke from her Earthly bonds into the arms of God. 

Born on January 9, 1997 in Ruidoso, New Mexico, Liberty was welcomed into this world by her mom and older sister, Mariah, who was their birthing coach. Mariah never stopped being Liberty’s coach, best friend, and protector. They had a fierce bond that only grew stronger as the years passed by, a duo seldom separated. Shortly after birth, Liberty, her mom, and Mariah moved back to Amarillo, Texas so they could be closer to their Grandmother Geva and Yaya Helen. 

Always an active and inquisitive child, Liberty loved all things outdoors. She spent countless hours trying to save spiders, baby bunnies, snakes, and any stray animal she could find. She earned the nickname “eagle eye” for being able to spot what others couldn’t when outdoors. She wanted to be the Crocodile Hunter when she grew up as Steve Irwin was her hero. For more than a year she wore a Steve Irwin Crocodile Hunter outfit daily and ran around yelling “Crikey” at everything she found outside. Around the same time she also wanted to be a paleontologist because she loved dinosaurs or a rock star. In her best version of adulthood, she really wanted to figure out how to be all three. In 2005, she began helping her moms at Elkins Ranch in Palo Duro Canyon as a Lil’ Ranch Hand, and for the next four summers, she helped to welcome guests for the jeep tours or serve chuckwagon breakfasts. She loved Palo Duro Canyon and camping trips. Often she could be found atop a rock staring into the distance. When asked what she was doing, her reply was simple: “meditating.” Her other love was the mountains of New Mexico. Nothing brought a smile to her face quite like seeing “her” mountains. When at home, she could be found in the trees that lined the property of her house in Happy. She loved and adored her cousins Jasmin and Xavier and they spent so much time exploring the lots around the house. Even once Liberty became too sick to play, one of her greatest joys was being with her cousins who could always make her laugh and smile. 

Sing Loud. Music was an important part of Liberty’s world. She and her mom had a playlist for anything and everything. Even in her sickest moments, a favorite song would play and Liberty’s eyes would light up. Even once she lost her voice, she would still sing the words to her songs with perfect pitch. She always had a song in her heart and loved to dance. Liberty’s go to dance was lovingly dubbed “Libby’s Happy Feet” dance by her family. In 2003, she started singing in church and in 2005 she played Caiaphas in her church’s ASL rendition of Jesus Christ Superstar. In junior high, Liberty proudly played the trumpet for the Happy High School Band. Around this time, she could also be found with a book in her hands. Her favorites were the Harry Potter series, Lord of the Rings, and any of Janet Evanovich’s books. She loved that series so much that she began contemplating becoming a bounty hunter. 

Fly High. In 2010 in the middle of her 8th grade school year, Liberty was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Even after her diagnosis and her body’s slow decline, Liberty was the life of every room she was in. Her smile and bright and beautiful blue eyes drew everyone to her. Her spirit was infectious. She attended and graduated from Caprock High School. While there, she was an active member of the Key Club, the National Honor Society, and the choir. She became very involved in the art program and painted and painted and painted some more. As a senior, she was elected prom queen by her fellow students and later was met to a standing applause on graduation night when she walked across the stage. Upon graduating from high school, Liberty went to Amarillo College to continu painting in the art program for as long as her hands let her hold a paintbrush. For her 21st birthday, her parents held an art show at a local art gallery. Liberty and her art work were center stage. She was positively radiant as friends and family came to admire her art. 

Be Brave. Liberty was and continues to be an inspiration to everyone who met her. One could not see her smile and not be changed for the better. She loved everyone intensely and completely and tended to collect people who were drawn to her beautiful spirit. She bravely faced her illness and when given insurmountable odds told others that she didn’t need to “be brave” because she’s “got this,” but she wanted others to be brave. Liberty was a bright light and the embodiment of pure love. Her memory will continue to inspire others to be brave. 

Fly High. Sing Loud. Be Brave.

Liberty was preceded in death by her great grandmother Geneva Farley Bumpus; her Papa, Terry Collins; her Grandma Yaya, Helen Jennings; her grandfather, Bert Jennings, and great grandmother, Bernice Jennings.  She is survived by her mothers Ileana Jennings and Rachael Collins of Happy Texas; her sister and brother-in-law Mariah and Derrick Neusch of Amarillo, Texas; her Grandmother, Linda Collins, of Happy Texas, her Aunt and Uncle Jennifer and Caebhin Howell of Amarillo, Texas, her beloved cousins, Jasmin and Xavier Howell of Amarillo, Texas, her Uncle and Aunt, David and Mirtha Beveridge, of Garland, Texas, and so many dear friends and family members whose lives she has touched. 

Coming Clean

 Coming Clean- 1/15/24

Happy New Year! Hoping everyone has had great holiday. For many, this is the time to make promises, resolutions, and goals.  Something like eating less, or better.  Workout more.  Read more books.  Reach out to more friends.  Even goals of cleaning out the garage.  Whatever your flavor of resolutions I hope they are going well.  We are all trying to be the best human we can be.  I’m certainly giving it a go.  

This blog update is not easy for me.  I have prayed for several weeks about sharing this part of my life.  Deep breath- Here we go.   

I am sharing the timeline for perspective.  

In May of 2021, Liberty and I were in a wreck when dropping her off at her aunt’s house.  The Libby Van was totalled, but gratefully Liberty was not hurt.  Within another week, Liberty had a small seizure and she bit her finger down to the bone.  These events are not huge except I felt a shift in my heart.  I knew that I could not voice this to anyone until several months went by. I knew that Libby’s time with us was short. 

I started drinking heavily during that month. For me, it was heavy drinking every night after Liberty was in bed.  Before this time, I was a social drinker. No problem.  But then…

  By July Liberty was starting Palliative care.  My mother passed away in that same month. Libby was in Hospice care by October 2021. We were blessed with a wonderful group of amazing people throughout Liberty’s care, but these Palliative and Hospice care people were truly a Godsend.   Liberty passed away with all of her loved ones seeing recently.  She is so loved.  

Many changes happened after Liberty passed away: several of them were orchestrated by me.  I apologize for all I hurt during that next year.  

After moving to Amarillo, I kept drinking, never so much that I couldn’t be the teacher I could be. Just enough to be “numb and dumb” and to guarantee sleep. Now I know that alcohol helps me fall asleep, but not stay asleep.  

This is my truth. On September 27th, I had a small wreck leaving downtown.  No one was hurt, thankfully.  Within that week I also got my heart hurt.  I thought I needed to be even more “numb and dumb”.   On October 7th, I drank too much and had a terrible fall in my apartment.  I was alone. (Well Monkey my cat was there).  Luckily, I wasn’t hurt very badly. Did get some dental damage that cost more than I wanted or needed to pay for my stupidity. 

This incident was a bell ringer for me.  How could I be so stupid?   How could I risk hurting myself?  All I could think was how selfish I was being.  I should never put myself in a position that would risk me not being HERE for Mariah, my family, my friends, and all my students.  

“This is How I fight my Battles”

https://youtu.be/NoAqymNcBTk?si=nGxVA5xFTqppzve5

I have not had any alcohol since that day.  It has been 100 days since I have had any.  At first, it was a little challenging, as all my emotions were overflowing, but I didn’t miss the drinking.  Emotions of the past two years began spilling out.  Oh, my friends, you know it’s been a helluva ride, but with grace. I am still standing.   

I am not going to apologize if this is too much of my truth.  Grief is a mighty sword that can lead us to healing.  Grief can also drown your emotions and move into your heart like a bad smell.  For these last 100 days, I am inviting my truth to carry me to healing.  Whatever your goals are, Please be kind to yourself.  

So, this is a chapter of my story. “The Story”

https://youtu.be/o8pQLtHTPaI?si=V3dg_x0C64jC7tpM

Going forward, I am following the mantra from Libby’s Home Going: Fly High. Sing Loud. Be Brave.  I have come clean.  Thank you to all.