Coming Clean

 Coming Clean- 1/15/24

Happy New Year! Hoping everyone has had great holiday. For many, this is the time to make promises, resolutions, and goals.  Something like eating less, or better.  Workout more.  Read more books.  Reach out to more friends.  Even goals of cleaning out the garage.  Whatever your flavor of resolutions I hope they are going well.  We are all trying to be the best human we can be.  I’m certainly giving it a go.  

This blog update is not easy for me.  I have prayed for several weeks about sharing this part of my life.  Deep breath- Here we go.   

I am sharing the timeline for perspective.  

In May of 2021, Liberty and I were in a wreck when dropping her off at her aunt’s house.  The Libby Van was totalled, but gratefully Liberty was not hurt.  Within another week, Liberty had a small seizure and she bit her finger down to the bone.  These events are not huge except I felt a shift in my heart.  I knew that I could not voice this to anyone until several months went by. I knew that Libby’s time with us was short. 

I started drinking heavily during that month. For me, it was heavy drinking every night after Liberty was in bed.  Before this time, I was a social drinker. No problem.  But then…

  By July Liberty was starting Palliative care.  My mother passed away in that same month. Libby was in Hospice care by October 2021. We were blessed with a wonderful group of amazing people throughout Liberty’s care, but these Palliative and Hospice care people were truly a Godsend.   Liberty passed away with all of her loved ones seeing recently.  She is so loved.  

Many changes happened after Liberty passed away: several of them were orchestrated by me.  I apologize for all I hurt during that next year.  

After moving to Amarillo, I kept drinking, never so much that I couldn’t be the teacher I could be. Just enough to be “numb and dumb” and to guarantee sleep. Now I know that alcohol helps me fall asleep, but not stay asleep.  

This is my truth. On September 27th, I had a small wreck leaving downtown.  No one was hurt, thankfully.  Within that week I also got my heart hurt.  I thought I needed to be even more “numb and dumb”.   On October 7th, I drank too much and had a terrible fall in my apartment.  I was alone. (Well Monkey my cat was there).  Luckily, I wasn’t hurt very badly. Did get some dental damage that cost more than I wanted or needed to pay for my stupidity. 

This incident was a bell ringer for me.  How could I be so stupid?   How could I risk hurting myself?  All I could think was how selfish I was being.  I should never put myself in a position that would risk me not being HERE for Mariah, my family, my friends, and all my students.  

“This is How I fight my Battles”

https://youtu.be/NoAqymNcBTk?si=nGxVA5xFTqppzve5

I have not had any alcohol since that day.  It has been 100 days since I have had any.  At first, it was a little challenging, as all my emotions were overflowing, but I didn’t miss the drinking.  Emotions of the past two years began spilling out.  Oh, my friends, you know it’s been a helluva ride, but with grace. I am still standing.   

I am not going to apologize if this is too much of my truth.  Grief is a mighty sword that can lead us to healing.  Grief can also drown your emotions and move into your heart like a bad smell.  For these last 100 days, I am inviting my truth to carry me to healing.  Whatever your goals are, Please be kind to yourself.  

So, this is a chapter of my story. “The Story”

https://youtu.be/o8pQLtHTPaI?si=V3dg_x0C64jC7tpM

Going forward, I am following the mantra from Libby’s Home Going: Fly High. Sing Loud. Be Brave.  I have come clean.  Thank you to all.