A Year of Firsts

I mostly hate today.  Father's Day is difficult for those raised in splintered homes. All of my life, I wished to have a chance at a Father who was there and was allowed to be there.   I was one of the first in my classes in elematary school that was from a single parent home. I had my Mom, my Grandmother, my Granny, my Great Aunts, several extra neighborhood Moms, and my Aunts. In many ways I was blessed.   I had so many a strong women to build myself from.  Now, they are gone.  Several of our friends have just lost her Dad, and we all have lost people emotionally.  This is for all of us.

Grief is horrible.   Grief reveals much and makes us capable of doing the terrible and the beautiful.  Dealing with it helps. 

 Grief is awful and can take over your entire being if you let it.  I know it has spent too much time in our little world as we grieve for those who we have lost to passing on, for those who have simply left, and for those who have progressive debilitating illnesses.   What we repeat over and over again to each other is "this is another first". 

After losing someone, regardless of relationship, you have a year of firsts. The first holidays without them, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Whatever holiday, the first time you make their favorite cake and remember they're gone, the first time you pick up the phone to call and no one who loves you will answer, the first "love you" card that goes unread, and so much more.  

The first time you want to call and ask about how to fix an outdoor electrical line, mend a fence, and which tire is best. The first time you want to call and ask about doctor visits, cousins, and update on Libby.  

The first time your heart hurts because another you love is mentally, physically, or emotionally broken and there is no answer, no advice and you need to make decisions. 

This part of grieving is not part of any one of the grief cycle but goes through  various stages.   I have wanted to call to tell both my Grandma's that Libby is having another surgery, to hopefully save another part of her,  and I can't dial the numbers because they are gone. 

Both Terry Collins and Bert Jennings are Veterans and are gone. Libby spots Vets and will beg for cash from me to give to them.  Then she asks to be wheeled by to give them whatever money she has. She then says thank you. I think she does this because she remembers talks about Military Vets and their need for respect for their service. Now, neither of our girls have a Grandfather.

I am proud of where I have come from and through. 

In this year of firsts without my Grandmothers and without other family members, we begin a fight to get Libby into and through college.   Along with supporting Mariah as much as she allows.  (Helping adult children through grief is worse.  She is in pain that I can't cure.  She too has lost.)

We begin, and continue, to show my mom and Rachael's mom, Linda, as much love and security as possible.

Our future is very much about taking care of those who hold us together.    We are very blessed. 

Every time after you've lost a loved one  you have to celebrate or go through something without your missing loved one, know that you have many new firsts.   Many that may hurt and many that will help you grow if you can let it.   When this happens allow yourself to feel; I'm not as good at this part.  Cry, pray, meditate, feel, react, and then send a thankful thought up that you had them in your life.  

Know this: most people do the very best they can do for family.   Come along with me and let the guilt go, ask forgiveness- whether granted or not- and move past it into the blessings. 

For all fathers, regardless of legalities and DNA, bless you! 

You are all blessed, though some may feel broken, now work towards blessing. Celebrate the strength given by those you've lost throughout the year of firsts.