Home is a state of mind not a building

During our July quick trip to Albuquerque and back, one song kept popping up on the playlist.  I am super sensitive to music and what it says to me, so I couldn't hear this song.  It went through the playlist three times before I finally, on top of Sandia Crest, let it play.    

http://youtu.be/DQYNM6SjD_o

"The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert

It was this time four months ago that I was desperately searching for a group living home, assisted living, nursing company, resources, and general help to get my disabled 68 year old mother out of the home, that was falling apart, which she had grown up in.  To get her out of the place she planned to grow old in, before the probate, taxes and Medicaid took it.  This was four months after losing her mother, my Grandmother.  Mom had a time to be out by before the house was sold.  Preferably with as little fighting and pain filled drama as possible. 

**This is at the same time that Libby has her senior prom, is applying to colleges and for college support, and we, as teachers, are finishing up state testing and the beginning of the end of the year rush.   And Libby's graduation was looming, like the Hindenburg over my head. We were stretched in many, many ways. 

 I was calling, searching, and pleading for help and asking my mom repeatedly what she wanted, on coherent and also rougher days. She has physical and emotional problems which had gone irregularity treated, mostly because of her own fears and stubbornness.   **I am not one who she has ever before allowed to help her with her medical issues.**

At the end of April we got a call from the dad of a young man that Mariah graduated with. He owns rent houses and we all had a long conversation. He had a house that he was just putting back together. It hadn't been lived in since the 70's and needed everything.  Electric, water, sewage, paint, and even more. He said it might be a month, or more.  The earliest would be the 15th of May. 

Meanwhile, my mom, not always my fan, was caught in an angry and guilt ridden down-ward spiral. She was losing her home and didn't want to go.  She was terrified and called me everyday crying and then later angry and then later hurt. My mom has hurt people and been hurt. 

Hurt people- hurt people.

I had her name on three assisted living waiting lists, a plan to move in with my brother in Garland, and was just treading water.  Our landlord friend called and told us that if we could do the intensive cleaning, a little painting, and if mom could live without some things: flushing the toilet and water in the kitchen sink, then she could rent the house now.  By that Saturday morning, 5/2, we had a rented truck and a small army of friends loading her up.  

I had been packing several evenings a week based from a list of what was for-sure Mom's, until the official inventory and probate stuff was finalized. 

So, by May 2nd at 5:00, she was living in Happy.  We had all utilities hooked up within the week.   We did everything we could to be careful and leave the house without anything extra. We vacuumed- until the vacuum died-  and cleaned up/organized what was left, as best we could under the U-Haul time frame.  We had to unroll the chain link fence to get furniture out, around the locked parked cars, and had arranged to get it reconnected when we all had payday in two weeks.  I had paid for the fence to be fixed and apologized for any wrong-doing.    In my heart we were doing what we needed to, which was to get my mom out of the house before the due date and with as little drama and hurt feelings as possible. 

I was so relieved and excited to have had the chance to get my mom into emotional safety.   We got her connected to home health care, took her to the doctor, eye doctor, and began taking care of her. 

Things with the rest of the family have been ugly since then: blocked from Facebook, some police involvement against me, and since I moved Mom I have lost much of my family as have both of my daughters.   No blood family came to Libby's graduation, besides her sister, and she noticed. 

My mom has never really lived alone, taken care of her bills, been on a true medication schedule; we are working on it. This involves schedules and trust.   She doesn't trust anyone now. We are working on it. She is learning that "Home" is where she is loved and safe, not where she feels guilt, anger, shame, fear, more guilt, betrayal, and familiarity.  

 We are four months in, as of 9/2, and it is ugly and beautiful.   Mom has been more REAL and closer to functional than she has been for many years. 

There are so many blessings to be enjoyed and thankful for, much more than the materialistic stuff and blame that we can cast.   I willingly take the blame for all and ask that we move on.  This has been horrible. 

I asked everyone in January to remember Grandmother's words that, "it isn't how  people treat you that you will be judged for, it is how we treat them in return".  I had hope and I had faith. I miss my grandmother so bad that when I let her cross my mind I can't breathe. I am who I am because of her.  

I am full of hope that at some point this will all work itself out. I pray that the pain, anger, and grief that families fire at each other is eventually released and all can move on. Stuff is just stuff.  It is all too easy to attach grief to material objects.  

I know that I have many to protect, nourish, love, and take care of. I pray that everything comes to an end once the house that built me is sold. Maybe then we can move on. (It may have already sold, I don't know.) Maybe then we can treat each other as the delicate and damaged people that we are and move forward. 

Home is where we feel safe, accepted, and are loved.   

I know I'm stupid, but I believe that imperfect humans can love, and then hurt, and then love other imperfect humans. Isn't that why we are all imperfect?  

Again, I apologize to everyone I hurt in the process and how I have messed things up.   Truly the best hopes of a peaceful ending, logistics of waiting lists, and me taking on what I needed to were my hearts desire.  Plus, I believe that everyone deserves to be loved today, based on today.  We have a lot depending on us and we have willingly embraced.

Today is four months for my Mom and a new day.  Everyday it is hard and yet, we keep trying. We have to. We will be blessed and be a blessing. 

Year

     Libby is now 18 and I don't have a solid plan. She made it to 18. 

Before I tackle today, I wanted to reflect.   

I've heard and read so many posts about how challenging 2014 was for many people: health problems, money problems, family problems, elder care problems, moral problems, mental health problems, career and goal problems and or course love/relationship problems.  I think I may have missed a few boxes, but that's most of them.  And it was a year of hope and fear for me.  I have not and will not let fear control me.  I am blessed.

We made it to HER 18th birthday. 

2014- We made plans and took giant leaps of faith.  We made mistakes and made better choices. We made more friends that have blessed us and sadly, lost a few older friends.  We made significant steps towards our goals as a family.  We made our little family stay safe and healthy.   We made it.  Blessed. 

She is 18 and a legal adult.

I won't say that I am not stained by the stress of everything.  I know there is a lot going on and I see how Liberty responds when I'm noticeably overwhelmed.   

Liberty turned 18 yesterday.  Being the parent of a "completely differently-abled" child means that I have to make calls, discuss decisions, plan and have horrible discussions- instead of simply celebrating the fact that she made it to 18. I wanted to complete this week and then begin tackling the planning this next week, but many caring individuals asked me too many questions and pushed me into focussing on the icky parts. We have had to make some painful decisions about Libby and her future.   

Last weekend, I was talking to Libby about going to back to school, her upcoming prom, senior photos, and this summer. She informed me that she would be moving out and getting married after graduation, since she will be 18.   

I, no one else, I had to remind my child, my baby, that her body doesn't work the way others do and that I would continue taking care of her. You see, she doesn't always remember that her body doesn't work. She doesn't always remember that she has to be lifted many times a day because her legs really aren't working very much anymore. She doesn't remember that she can't feed herself or

clean herself- at all.  I have to remind her. That's the awful, terrible part of being this parent, I have to remind her that we have to do things differently. She can't dance like the other kids, but she can dance in her chair on a good day.  She can't sing like the other kids, but she can memorize songs with amazing speed.  She can't marry at this point.  The children she dreams constantly of having are somewhere off in the future.  

I could cry and cry until it

feltlike the world spilt in two

but I'll  keep being spit back out

because there is so much left for me to do. 

I get to continue to pay for her care and for her medical, but have to also ensure that I am legally allowed to do so.  

So, this week when being asked whether she wants to go on to college or staying in high school for awhile, all I kept thinking was that she is alive. She is still here.  She made it to 18.  We were told to "get her baptized and prepare our families" when she was barely 12.   She is here and has a purpose.

She is teaching me lessons on gratefulness and complete humility.   I have to allow myself to say that sometimes it sucks and hurts so bad I can't breathe and then she tells me to ask for food for her birthday for other kids at her school because they need it.   She is teaching me.   

Where there is hope there is always a chance and I am "better off for all that we let in".   "All That We Let In" by the Indigo Girls

http://youtu.be/gR8GXEmu2V4

Thank you to everyone for helping make it to this landmark.   I have made the calls for transition help to her from high school to her college dreams.  We will apply for her SSI. I have begun the next step.  But before I table tomorrow, I think I'll relish today.  I have two daughters who have made it to 18.   I am beyond blessed.