Vent

I am going to have to be brutal for a few minutes.  I need a break- a serious break.  I feel like I've been fighting for Libby's life and worrying about Mariah's for so long that I don't really care about mine anymore. I hold so many of these types of thoughts in that if I ever start to let it out, the steam may burn!  Maybe a little vent every now and then will help.

At this moment, I am okay.  Libby slept through the night and has had her breakfast and round one of meds.  Rachael gets to sleep as long as needs since night before last Libby had her up four times.  

I need a break. Rachael needs a break. Rachael probably needs a break from both of us. I have caught myself saying more and more that I am not the parent I'm supposed to be. My tolerance for Libby's whining and ability to have a perspective on her needs is diminishing daily.  My stamina is much lower.  I am more and more disconnected from my own feelings and needs.  I'm no expert, but this isn't good. 

We need a break. I am having more jealousy and anger towards other grown ups who get to go to the movies, to eat, to grocery shop, to simply sit and talk with their other half.  Serious jealousy.  (The mean girl in my head responds to Facebook posts..."I'm sorry, you only got to see one movie this weekend and managed to eat out together twice.  That must be rough.  We spent the weekend taking care of Libby and the fifteen other areas."  

Our relationship account is very low in funds.  I keep taking and taking from Rachael and it feels like I can't give anything back except for heartache, increasing needs and exhaustion.  Why would anyone chose to be a part of something that is so draining and heart wrenching?  We have given so much away, what is really left? 

Since before November of last year we have had a total of 40 hours away.  That was divided into two days.  There is not a  time that I don't wake up in a frenzy of anxiety to get her meds to her and take care of her needs. My patience seems to be dwindling, just when Libby (and Mariah) need more.  

I'm not saying all of this to get sympathy or a torrent of comments about how I can take advantage of friends to get us some real respite care.  I'm saying it because it needs to be said.   I am human and I am still somewhat young and at some point I would like to enjoy something again without the guilt.  (She says feeling guilty as she types this.)

I'm not saying this to get the great slap of a comment that I made the choice to have this child, I can simply deal with it.  Yep.  Got it.  That kind of attitude toward parenting is barbaric.  Every parent needs a break of some sort, that's why it takes a village.  (Remember, Libby even goes with me to school.) And, too many of our close family have health issues and Libby requires a higher level of physical ability.  (Part of why we work out so much and eat so healthy.)

Now, if I post and share this, family and friends will stop asking us for, or allowing us to help. Too many already try to "protect us", which is crap.  We are tough.   But, we need a break, before we have given too much of US away. 

If I seem pissy, this may be why. If I seem exhausted, this may be why.   I worry that I will lose my mind and be found in a fetal position, in a small corner, eating my weight in ruffles.   Or I'll go postal and start telling, the seemingly selfish people around, off.   Ruffles may be the meltdown of choice. 

I'm sharing because we are not alone.  I mean, we have support and we are grateful so we are not alone. But today, we ARE alone.  No one is coming to help today.  Every bite Libby takes, I'll feed her. Every pill she needs, I'll give her.  Every trip to the restroom involves me. Love this child and love that she's mine, but I need a break.

We are not alone.  Many caretakers are in the same boat.  People want to help, but they have their own lives. They want to help, but they aren't sure how or they are overwhelmed by the needs of this child. The longevity of couples who take care of special needs children is not good.  Divorces already happen all too often. You add the stress and heartache involved with Libby and the numbers go up even more.  We need to make some serious deposits into our relationship account.   

I have to find a way to save myself and my relationship.  I have to.  I need a break.  

**Hopefully, no friends or family will be harmed in the post.**