Wrapped up

We were finally able to celebrate Christmas with the family. Libby sent her letter to Santa letting him know that we were putting the big day off until Jasmin and Xavier were back with us.  So, December 29 was our Fake-mass. We kept the whole tradition alive, friends and family are invited to a huge food-filled feast.  Everyone is invited to stay the night and wake up as a whole family unit to open presents.  The rule is that Christmas morning, all gifts are passed out and then in our somewhat circle we wait as each person unwraps one gift at a time.   This way we all get to share in what the gift is and how excited the recipient is! 

Notice the stacks of gifts as each one waits to begin.  Liberty had already waited for several extra days and I was worried that we might have a princess style melt down if the waiting continued.  We were not able to buy very much and did many homemade gifts this year.  I was very impressed by my sweetheart.  She was excited for her little cousins and their gifts and was appreciative of her own.  This is huge for us as we have been battling with a spoiled attitude, which I will not tolerate.  I know she deserves the world and more, but she needs to be thankful for it!  Liberty made me very proud of her kindness and her easy acceptance of waiting for Christmas.  She told me she wouldn't want Christmas without her cousins and to me that was the sweetest thing ever. 

Kim and Jeff Davis were able to join us and it is always amazing to spend time with them. Being around Kim and Jeff is a treat and I wish that we were able to be with them more.  They have many amazing changes coming in their lives and it is a gift to have the chance to be a part of their lives.  Rev. Belle and Carol were also able to join us.  Rev. Belle remains my spiritual mentor and I find myself just needing to talk to her, to touch base.  I appreciate these people so much and am grateful to know them.  Jamie, Jennifer's best friend, also joined in the festivities.  She has become another important part of our lives. 

Mariah and Bobby, plus a couple of friends, were able to be with us.  My big kids are just nice people.  Bobby fits right in and we love him.  He and Mariah are great together.  I must say that at the rate in which our crew is growing we are going to have to add bunk beds, tents, or we'll have people sleeping in their cars!  I brought up the idea of taking over several rooms at  a hotel in Amarillo that has a restaurant attached to it to make life easier.  As we were will still straightening up at 2:00 pm, it seems that a really good idea.  

 

I was filled with joy throughout the afternoon as I reflected on the heart felt gifs that were shared. The kind and thought-filled ways in which our family and friends were able to share their love is inspiring.  I am not a fan of lots of material things and this was all too perfect for me.  Life is not about more things, but about more love.

 

Libby waiting to head home on Fake-mass day.  She was locked up and super tired.  Major changes in her schedule make life so much fun.  When we know there is going to be a change, we start days ahead telling her of the upcoming change. The changes in weather cause her body to react in that sometimes she can't even move.  More and more she is getting what I call "T=Rex" hand where her right hand isn't working.  Not fun.  This kid should have at least one hand that works.  Here's a scary progression, her chewing and swallowing ability are also becoming more challenged.  Looking into different ways to feed her that are within her dietary guidelines. 

 

Liberty had asked for a baby doll and coloring books for Christmas.   We have been encouraging her coloring as it helps with her motor skills.  This princess/baby doll stuff is out of my league.  She has never really been interested in baby dolls before as she has always been into her stuffed animals and Lego's.  Now, she wants more of the typical little girl stuff.  For her sweet 16 birthday party this next month she wants a princess party.  I have taken flack for allowing her to have these somewhat little girl things, but when possible she can have what she wants.   My child has been regressing for several years now.  Part of my child's brain is not working any longer, she lost these parts before the age of 12.  If she wants little girl stuff for her Sweet 16, then so be it.  Unless someone can find a way to grant my wish and bring the parts she lost back, then a baby doll and princess stuff she will have.  Please know I am not enabling her decline but her happiness where she is and trying to slow the regression.  (Yuck, really don't like the whole princessy stuff...).  And I am not fussing, just addressing publicly what has been said to me. 

 

Tomorrow begins the new year.  I didn't have any goals for this year other than finish the Master's program and survive.  This year, I have a list, and much of it is centered around self preservation.  I have been on fight or flight response for too long.  I have been racing from one person's need to another without thinking.  The complete exhaustion I have been experiencing is not okay.  I am going to have to prioritize to keep myself sane.  Other people will have to step up to help with some of the responsibilities I have willingly and lovingly been taking care of.  Promises that have been made to us are forgotten. My life will become more focused on taking care of us and both of my children.  I keep giving myself away and have not saved anything.  

 

Life with Liberty is a marathon and I have been running it as a race.  I have to learn to pace myself and to stop waiting for joy.  I found this quote several weeks ago and it has struck a chord with me-"It could be senseless to go on waiting for a joy, when joy was on the doorstep, as time hurried by"  T.H.White, The Once and Future King.

 

I will be better at enjoying more and planning/cartaking/ stressing/ schedule squeezing/ guilt carrying LESS.  I will try not to be as wrapped up in so many things that other people could take care of and focus on what is most important.  I will stop waiting for joy and simply open the door to the joy that is waiting for me. 

 

Love and hope for 2013, the year I am calling the "Year of Yes".

"Breaking"

Yesterday began our Holiday break.  Two weeks of blissful napping and eating and napping and eating.  My goal is simple, to try to get enough rest so that the bags under my eyes go from being bags that I would have to check- to carry on bags!

This last month we have attended Jasmin's Holiday show.  I was super proud to see our little doctor doing shining and getting past her shyness!  She is a natural beauty that has a light in her that cannot be denied. 

We also made it to Liberty's concert which is a feat in itself.  On nights when we have something going on in Amarillo, that means a race home, usually to eat and change, and then a race 38 miles back.  Even if the event ends by 8:00 that means that we are off of our night time schedule.  I have been knowing to give Libby meds as we are getting her into the car to head home.  It is always an adventure, but doing it all in a loaner car that is not exactly Liberty proof makes life even more interesting.

Update on my lack of vehicle- I don't own one.  My car has been declared totaled by my insurance company and the gentleman's insurance is making an appointment this week to make their determination concerning damage and repair-ability.  I am now at a standstill waiting and no car of my own.  I finally consented last Friday to get a rental, only because the other insurance was paying for it.  I just could not justify paying $20.00 a day when I had a loaner which was working just fine.  

We have spent a little bit of time looking around at cars and I know that  I need something slightly lower than what we had.  Getting Libby in and out of the car can be a nightmare, an absolute nightmare.  Some mornings it is all I can do to not completely break down with Libby as she is stiff and not moving well and I am not fairing much better!  So smaller it is, but not too small.  Because of the distance and the weather that we are capable of having in the High Plains, a vehicle that is able to handle adverse weather conditions is needed. Really ready to have this whole thing over!  Without the guidance of Bernard's Advanced Auto Collision, I would have signed over my rights within the first week and been out many, many thousands of dollars. 

We have to have a car that has a wide opening in the back seat to get Libby in and out.  The rear seats have to be adjustable and have the ability to lay partially flat to carry massive loads.  Have to have a middle console so that I can prop Libby up when her left side gives up.  Hoping credit will hold through the coming process.......

Medically, we have attended two appointments with Dr. H.  Libby had complete blood work done and received her scripts for new leg and hand braces.  All her blood work is good, very good.  Liver and thyroid are great.  Her vitamin levels are finally within normal.  Her blood sugar levels are down to within normal and she is no longer showing the progression towards diabetes- THANK GOD!!  The only issue was that her milk protein levels, casein, are still very high. This is not okay, especially since we have been rigidly dairy free for several years.  I am now reading labels and checking for the hidden dairy in everything. 

Dr. H. agrees that it is a good thing that Libby is has more sensation all over her body, since for so long she didn't feel much of anything.  Now, she hurts.  Her legs, her knees, ankles, hips, arm, wrist, head, ... hurt daily.  He is setting up a referral as soon as he finds a neurologist who knows about pain management.  We know, assume, that the pain is from her brain damage.  I need to know where it is coming from and how to control it without further clouding up her thinking.  It is a good thing that she can now feel more, but this child should not hurt.  No child should hurt.

Our Christmas celebration has been postponed because Jasmin and Xavier will be in Tulia with Kent.  We are actually celebrating on the 29th.  This means that we get a full week to sleep and eat. Then, I'll try eating and sleeping.  Here is the reality of my napping, which is much less dignified.

There are always moments during a semester when I have a few doubts as to whether or not all the work is paying off, but this semester I had thoughts as to whether or not I could take another step.  I made it through several days of focusing on each minute, each student, each class, and taking one step at a time.  The added stress and requirements of this year are taking their toll and I know that all teachers will come out stronger because of it, but the toll is hard to pay for me.  Some days, I felt as if I were breaking from the outside in.  But, you get up, go, do your best, plan, plan some more, fail sometimes, plan again, and try again the next day.  Libby and all my kids don't need me to be anything other than willing to try again.  It's okay to break, as long as I can pull it back together. 

Uh, so now I need a nap.  I will update as we get further into the resting time.  Now, to work on my goals of eating and sleeping.  Blessings and hope....ileana

Teaching together

Rachael has seen me teach aerobics, swimming, religious classes, disaster preparation and English Language Arts.  She has been along to help with me with so many educational endeavors and I have always loved having her there to cheer me on and guide me. We have taught workshops for other teachers, but never kids. So much of our lives is spent brainstorming, discussing, whining, and preparing for our roles as teachers, but we have never actually co-taught a class of adolescents. I had never seen her in action with students and I must say it was a delight.  A quiet authority, laced with an amazing sense of humor, she definitely has a presence in the classroom.  When I asked her to help at Caprock's EOC Rally before the retest on Monday, I had no idea the impact seeing her in the classroom would make on me.  

 

Saturday morning teaching means kids and teachers are even more tired.  The upside is that the kids who were there are kids who really want to pass their test.  Rachael was introduced as a teacher from another district who was there to help.  The Caprock kids didn't even blink, they just went right on and were willing to learn!!  Just shows the adaptability of our kids. 

 

I share so much of my life with everyone that I thought I would share this reflection as well.  I have often said that Rachael is the analytical side of my brain and seeing her in action may make me change this thinking.  It was a gift to witness great teaching first hand and I am grateful we had that opportunity. 

 

Lisa Lindsey was also there in our session and she completed our group and made us an amazing trio!

Our students benefitted greatly from her expertise.

You can never really KNOW someone until you have been in the trenches with them and seen how they really are with the students.  I love being able to actually share teaching with people who I already admire.

 

Rachael, as a side note, I am certain that Terry Collins smiles down everyday from the great classroom in the sky as he watches you teach, Rachael.  You are an amazing legacy to your father, the teacher. 

 

Have your kids hug their teachers, this is a very hard time to be an educator.

Giving of Thanks

Miss Libby in LOVE!!  Libby and her football boys on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  She is totally blushing!  Love these boys and am very grateful for their sweetness in our lives.  These boys graduate this year and I will be a mess, I'm telling y'all now, I will be one proud Momma Jenn!

Libby and her class during their amazing Thanksgiving feast at school.  April Wolterstorff ACC teacher extraordinaire had combined our Culinary Arts and Floral Design to put this meal together. It was a beautiful gathering for the families of these kids and the exceptional guests of five of our football team really made many of the kids happy!  The amount of love so many of the Caprock students show to our special students is amazing.  I am grateful for these kids and the many others who are so very kind. 

Bobby hanging decorations at Grandma Linda's.

Thanksgiving meal at our house.   David and his girl friend, Mirtha, Mariah, Bobby, Jennifer, Caebhin, Xavier, Jasmin, Grandma Linda, my Mom, Aunt Judy, Grandmother and our three were all able to share in our giving of Thanks and turkey!

In the background are my Grandmother (96), Aunt Judy, and My Mom.  Xavier, the Ham, in the forefront. Goofball....

Jasmin and the tree Friday afternoon.

Jennifer dressing up the tree!

Libby with her serious face.

Libby took great care to decorate her area very carefully. 

Helping with the crocheted popcorn.

Mariah and Bobby, love my kids!

My Thanksgiving ouch....THANK GOD I was alone in the car. I had just driven Mom, Grandma, and Aunt Judy back to Amarillo and was headed home.  An older gentleman pulled out right in front of me.  It would have been very, very bad if I hadn't swerved over and popped the curb- after hitting his back bumper. 

Lights at our house. 

Xavier and the tree.

I am so thankful for getting a chance to be home for the entire Turkey break.  This is the first time in four years that we have not spent at least part of the time in the hospital or driving back and forth.  Thanksgiving is not a resting holiday as it is time to clean and cook and hang out with family.  Not to mention getting our house and Grandma Linda's decorated for Christmas.  Plus there's the outside stuff, which I really love having up.

 

There are so many things to be thankful for and the greatest of all are our family relationships.  We are very grateful for our family and friends for their continued love and support. 

 

Libby has been even more challenged lately and with that comes more of a pull of on our energy.  It is now December 1, and Libby remains very locked up and has a long list of complaints.  We have had a an appointment scheduled on December 3 with Dr. H. for awhile.  We are going in to get scripts for new braces and I am going in with a list of questions and issues.  Hoping that he can help up get her straightened up somewhat. 

 

She is also finishing a very heavy menstrual cycle, which we have been grateful for.  Many months her body tries to cycle and just can't, so when it happens, we are grateful.  Healthy female bodies should have cycles.  Hoping that her body will begin returning to a semblance of normal.  We just have to pray that this current body reaction is not our normal. 

 

We remain grateful for today and hopeful for tomorrow.  Much love....