Showing posts with label Parkinsonism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parkinsonism. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Run Fast Little One

 I have always cherished the beauty of the Easter season.  As a child Easter meant going to the garage sales with my Godmother to get a frilly dress, girdle, and “clicky” shoes.  Not to mention getting my hair pressed to set the curls in the right places.  I can still smell the rolls rising, deviled eggs, as the Ham baked for our after-church Easter Meal. 

In church, Easter meant bright colors came out of their hiding to usher us into a new season.  The hope of resurrection filled the world with a cacophony of risen life in both flora and fauna.  Easter is the time of resilience and re-beginnings. 

"There is Jesus"

Yet, before we get to that time of celebration there are the deep, dry, and cold parts of winter.  I am not comfortable in the dark, and this year Dark invited strange high winds that seem to stay on the Panhandle stage for encore after encore.  The trifecta of cold, dark, and windy means there aren’t many chances of running or biking outside, but I still didn’t welcome the winter blues this year as I have in the past yearning to be outside.  I am better when I can be outside. "When It Don't Come Easy" I don't think I am the only one struggling to not pick up the pent-up yuck of winter.


This year, I am coveting the starkness of Lent, and the simplicity of giving away what weighs us down.  As much as I relish the chance to love an unadorned church, I revel in the beauty rolling into the fully dressed church on a tide of colors. As simple as the church is when She is in Lent, She is just as surprisingly complex during Easter Tide. That contrast is part of my own emotional, physical, and spiritual rotation.  


 The more I am coming out of my Grief fog, the more I am realizing what is better for my whole self. That means I am finding time to be outside or get into the pool for laps- even if it is in short adventures. 

Easter and all of the beauty that comes along with Spring feels like I’ve been charged with glorious enlivened growth.  We’ve even had several little teasing spots of rain and even the dirt is wearing a “Spring come here to me” smell. Last week, 3/22, I had a doctor's checkup and afterward, I gleefully took myself to Palo Duro Canyon.  I had three hours before I had to return to school; I took a half day.  What beauty did I find?  No longer is the Canyon wearing the almost simple pallet of winter yellows and grays.   She is wearing lots of copper red and infantile greens as she gears up for the seasonal change.    









I saw all these beautiful friends and sang my way down the trail.  Then I saw the most amazing gift: I stopped to look at the stream and saw an adolescent Coyote across the stream.  I didn’t get a picture because she was looking right at me and I began to cry…  She stood completely still and then nodded her head as she sniffed in my direction. She was shedding her winter fur, as am I. Then I realized that her muzzle had red specks in her fur. 


 Libby was always the Wolf, the Coyote, the Fox: all the Canid.  I just kept singing “Hi Libby- Hi Libby- Hi Libby.”  I uh may have tried to follow that coyote for quite a while, and I could not keep up.  I couldn’t keep up with her.  


I choose to believe that Liberty needed to see me as much as I needed to feel her presence. I choose to believe that Liberty was letting me know that she is eating after so long struggling to eat.  I choose to believe that she is growing in her new realm by running fast as did so long ago.  I cannot say that I don’t miss her physical presence every day, but I am grateful that she is free of physical problems.  She has shed her body, just as the coyote is shedding blood-stained fur.  Every Easter we can clean out the negative and water the positive; we too can shed what doesn’t serve us.  

"Hold My Hand"

As everything is dynamically changing, and growing in this Eastertide I pray that we can be refreshed in this season.  I know that I am surrounded by love and support and for that I am grateful.  Please continue to say her name and keep her in our hearts.  Pray for her other family members and of course, for her amazing sister and Derrick.  We are all running in our own ways.  We are all learning and growing in our own ways.  As stark as parts of winter have been, Spring can be a fantastic race of growing and shifting into a better and stronger version of ourselves.  Run fast little one- I will always be cheering you on.

 

Sunday, December 5, 2021

Flying


Sunday afternoons we try to watch something that we all enjoy. This Sunday we stumbled upon the series on National Geographic, “Dr. Oakley”.  She’s a veterinarian in the Yukon. At the end of one episode Dr. Oakley has rehabilitated two eaglets who each had a complex fracture in a wing. They were born normal, but some trauma had taken their very important ability to fly.  Weeks of rehab and healing and they were ready to be released. 

“We started with two young birds that were quite broken and now they’re being released. Now they can fly.”   

Seeing those eaglets fly off after weeks of healing, reminded me of Libby.   She was once whole and has spent over half of her life with a body that has become progressively more dysfunctional.  

Sadly our medical interventions have not healed Libby, but they have helped to keep her happy and comfortable.  Since earthly healing has not come, she regain her wings through other worldly powers.  
One day, she too will be healed and fly away.  She will fly again because our God will remind her how.  


Wednesday, October 20, 2021

The Mostly Short Version of the 12 Year Saga

This is not my story; this is Liberty's story. I am just cataloging her journey. It used to feel like a bite was being taken out of me every time I told her story.  Now, it is a review process that allows me the chance to remember and remind myself of how far we have come. 

(I took three older posts and added the last few years. I apologize if there are still repetitions.)


Libby was born on her due date perfectly normal on January 9, 1997, in Ruidoso.  Her sister, Mariah, was my birthing coach.


She met every cognitive and physical measure early including crawling out of her crib at 9 months.  She was so adventurous that she could have been hurt many times.  Libby loved to climb and hide. She would climb up anything she could, including bookcases, weight racks, and later tops of cars and trees.  She earned the nickname "Eagle Eye" as she is able to see things others miss. 


If there was a way to push the boundary, she would find it. She is the personification of her name in every way.  She didn't care about rules and hated being told to speak to people on command, and Lord help you if you wanted her to hug someone.  Liberty didn't perform on command.  Now, let her listen to a song once or twice and she would memorize it.  By four I could challenge her to see if she could memorize a song faster than me.   I would begin a song lyric and she would finish it. 


We are outside people. We camped, hiked, worked in Palo Duro Canyon, and Geo-cached everywhere we could.   It was no big deal for us to play in the water in the canyon or return from hiking, and then check each other for bites.  It's awkward, but it is what you do, especially when the grasses are taller than your kids.  This is the Texas Panhandle and if the heat and cold don't kill you, then there are plenty of things that'll bite you.  


In 5th grade, Libby was Commended in her Reading. She even earned a phone call home from her elementary librarian with questions as to whether or not Libby needed to read Janet Evanovich and Lord of the Rings instead of her AR books. She was rocking her trumpeting skills in band, singing in front of everyone almost every week at church, and working on her basketball skills. The math and physical coordination genes did miss this kid.  Math and coordination did not come naturally. Socially, she preferred animals to people and would rather play than abide by any girly stuff.  She is our little wolf and LOVES dinosaurs.   


The night we returned from our last big camping trip in July 2007, where we had been to Southern Utah and Libby had what we believe was a massive seizure.   Mariah woke us up and saw Libby mid-seize on the top bunk. This changed everything.  We headed to the nearest hospital by ambulance and our testing trials began.  Even though there was blood taken, there was little analysis and we were only given the advice to get her seen by someone who deals with seizures.  We brought up several times the long camping trip and the land, lakes, and streams we had been swimming, fishing, and hiking in.   


The next morning we were sitting in our pediatrician's office and were then sent with referrals to get the EEG and EKG to see if there was anything neurologically wrong.  Over the next year, Libby had visited hospitals in Amarillo and Lubbock had three more seizures, many EKG and EEG's, MRI's, sleep studies, and lots of blood work.  Nothing.  Everything came back normal.  We carried paperwork that stated she had an Undiagnosed Seizure disorder.  


In November of 2007, Libby's Grandpa, Terry Collins left us.  She didn't cry or sing for months.   She stopped drawing and writing her stories. 


The next year, 2008-2009, 6th grade seemed fairly normal. Her big sister, Mariah, was a senior and the world was changing, so normal may be the wrong term.  Looking back there were many signs that something was affecting Liberty neurologically.  You don't know what you don't know. Her speech showed some weirdness, where she would drop off parts of words.  Interestingly, her singing remained outstanding.  Her ability to play her trumpet at the high level she had before remained static, except for sometimes she showed an inability to sustain the breath needed. Her handwriting got weird, really weird. But this is the kid who invented her own writing that was only to be read by animals with paws when she was three or four, so weird handwriting- eh.  She started sneaking spoons to school in her lunch box instead of forks.  She also started using bendy straws, we call them "sick straws" as well. 

Her shirts had some weird stains and I would find them hidden in weird places. She tried to shave her legs for the first time and called me crying because she had cut her leg, also not unusual.  Now, when she decided to use a razor to trim her eyebrow and called me with a thug-looking brow into the bathroom, I took the razor away from the kid who was starting to shake- alot.  Once we made it through Mariah's graduation and summer hit, we got Libby into singing lessons.  We did elocution practice at home, as well as some handwriting review.  We spent that summer building up Libby's self-esteem.  (I thought she was acting out because of the loss of her Grandpa and her sister graduating.)


I noticed a tremor in her hands and started watching her blood sugars and eating patterns.  Diabetes does run in my family. I noticed that she spilled food a lot and had trouble drinking unless she used a straw.   She had probably been having hand tremors for a while and had hidden it. I didn't catch it.  


In July 2009, she started her menstrual cycle.  In August she passed her yearly Pediatric check-up and we were reminded to keep an eye on her emotions as she may be depressed and reacting to Mariah's graduating and the many other changes.  She also passed her athletic physical to play basketball and tennis.  


We went on a regular hike, a long hot hike, and I basically had to carry Libby back.  She said her left leg hurt and didn't feel right.  I thought she was being a wolf princess butt and was claiming fatigue. 


7th grade started and her teachers began contacting us about changes they were noticing in Libby.  She was referred to a local psychiatrist.  I made an appointment for the middle of October to check in with our Pediatrician. The school's diagnostician did some cognitive tests and called me on October 2, 2009, my 39th birthday.  She said that she thought that what was going on with Libby was biological and that she thought something was wrong.  


By the end of the first six weeks of her 7th-grade year, 2009-2010, Libby was falling a lot, her left arm was curling in whenever she run, she couldn't get a spoon to her mouth, she couldn't rinse out her hair, her handwriting was illegible, her speech was disintegrating and she collapsed one day on the way home from school.  An ambulance brought her to the nearest clinic, her Pediatrician's clinic, and all tests showed nothing.  She must be very tired. 


We saw our regular doctor and then more tests at the hospital in Amarillo, then on to Lubbock.  The Neurologist was in Lubbock, the same one that we had seen for the seizures. We were referred to Cook Children's in Ft. Worth. On Rachael's birthday, November 12th, we arrived on a Thursday evening in November, by now we are helping her shower, dress, and feed herself. That Friday, the first doctor we saw referred us to another and ordered tests.  We were to go home, pack, and return on Monday prepared for a long stay.  

We spent the weekend putting up our Christmas decorations almost as if we had the recognition that the return visit to Cooks would be a more extensive stay. We also had Mariah come home so we could talk to her and prepare her. For what, we didn't know. From Rachael: I can vividly remember being up on the roof of the house with Mariah hanging Christmas lights and talking to her about the very real possibilities of where we might be headed with Liberty and what a diagnosis could bring our way. I didn't even know and now I was having to prepare Mariah that her sister might never be the same again. It wasn't the same jolly time we'd had in previous years putting up lights with Christmas songs playing in the background. 

We were in the hospital for 14 days.  During that time every sort of test you can imagine was run. At first, they thought she had a very progressive form of early-onset Multiple Sclerosis, or Huntington's, or a form of Palsy, or maybe she had gone through multiple strokes, or ALS, Wilson's, Meningitis, HIV, and more that we cannot even remember. Libby had blood tests, EKG, EEG, Lumbar puncture, Liver biopsy, skin biopsies, 24-hour urine catch, more blood tests, and an MRI with and without resolution.


The MRI showed an area in her right frontal lobe the size of a quarter that had undergone either atrophy or necrosis.  Her brain was also smaller than it should be. Basically, that portion was dead and not working.  This area had been missed by all the other MRI machines she had been in.  The one at Cook Children's had more power or resolution.  What our Neuro doctor, Dr. Hottie said, is that something had probably been killing that part of her brain for a long time and that she had slowly been losing her fine and major motor skills for some time.  It had finally reached a critical mass and that is why it seemed like she had fallen apart all at once.  


Her Lumbar puncture showed something, a possible form of Encephalitis. He gathered a crew of specialists, including a Geneticist, who did all of the background testing possible.  Down to requesting the chemical results from our water system here at home in Happy.  They also had Carbon Dioxide detectors placed in our house just to make sure.  We asked again if she could have caught something during our outdoor exploits.  


We were told at a staffing meeting, think of the TV show "House", to start thinking about whether we wanted quality or quantity of life for Libby.  We chose quality that day. We still choose quality. We were released on Thanksgiving Day, 2009, with two more referrals back home, therapy referrals, a prescription for a Parkinson's medication, Sinemet, and follow-up appointments at Cook Children's.  We were told to get her baptized and prepare our family, at the rate her degeneration was progressing we didn't have much time.


After we returned, the first appointment was a basic eye appointment for further testing for Wilson's or other genetic abnormalities.  Christmas happened.  New Year happened.  We were in shock and grateful to be home.  My little wolf cub doesn't do well in captivity.  On January 2, we saw an Ophthalmologist.  After going through the whole background, he performed his regular eye exams and asked if she had been tested for Lyme disease.  He ordered blood tests, didn't know eye doctors could do that, for Cat Scratch Fever, Lyme, and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.  


January 10, 2010, the results came back positive for Lyme through the ELISA Lyme test.  I called our doc at Cook Children's and left a message about the results.  He called back and said this could have been caused by Lyme. Our local Pediatric doc and Dr. Hottie agreed to a two-week course of antibiotics to cure her of Lyme.  That is what the American Medical Association, AMA, recommends.  


She wasn't cured. We began researching immediately and found that there are cases worldwide of terrible unexplained illnesses that have been traced back to Lyme. We also learned of governments worldwide not treating Chronic or long-term Lyme. We also learned that there should have been a bulls-eye rash followed by flu-like symptoms. Libby never had a rash.  When camping, we showered in twos.  After hiking we checked each other.  We learned that many, many cases of Lyme go unnoticed because there is no rash and no flu-like symptoms.  We also learned that Lyme was rare in our area.  We also learned that many people die because Lyme likes to attack hearts.  Libby's heart is still good.  Her neurological state has been decimated. 


We have continued to get our main treatments and testing done in Ft. Worth.  Each time there may be a new specialist to meet, different tests to be done, new meds to try, something. In 2012, we met with a Pediatric Rheumatologist and an Immunologist.  They ordered a PIC line and a six-week protocol of heavy-duty antibiotics since that was then what the American Medical Association recommended for tougher cases of Lyme.  She wasn't cured. 


She has never tested positive for anything else.  Most gratefully she has not had any other seizures until recently. 


We have had our genes mapped and there is nothing genetically wrong with her.  She has been diagnosed with Secondary Parkinson's, Spasticity, Ataxia, Speech Apraxia, and my least favorite, Dystonia. On medical paperwork, she has Arthropod-Borne Encephalitis.  


She has had two sets of AFO leg braces, lots of hand braces, and a neck brace.  She has had three official wheelchairs.


She takes Sinemet, Baclofen, and Clonazepam. What started as a turned in left hand, has traveled to her left leg, then foot, then right hand, then right leg, the right foot, and her neck.  Parkinson's has given us an additional gift with swallowing issues that are made worse by the Botox that loosens up the rest of her body.


In 2015-Libby's left foot had reached 90% Achilles contracture and she had bi-lateral tendon release.  We believed after recovery we would work on walking more.  That didn't help much as her body fought back with a vengeance. Liberty graduated from high school where she was active in art, choir, and community service. She was voted Caprock Prom Queen in 2015. 

In the summer of 2015, we completed the required Department of Aging and Rehabilitative services Neuro-Cognitive testing.  They had to prove whether or not she was employable in order to provide services.  We had to go through DARS to help get services for Libby and college.  DARS was the gatekeeper to many services for Libby.   We really still didn't know how life after high school will look for her, but we knew that she will have a life. 


In July 2015- Deep Brain Stimulators were inserted that we charged about every other day.

She has been on a five pill-a-day schedule for years; her main one is the Parkinson’s drug. She had a baclofen pump inserted into her abdomen as of last Thanksgiving 2016.


In 2018, she now had the neurological and muscular diagnosis of Parkinson’s, Bladder and Sphincter Dyssynergia, dystonia, spasticity, ataxia, and speech apraxia.  


We’ve tried lots of things including physical and occupational therapy, clean eating, weighted blanket, and even blessed water.   Libby’s body continued to stiffen and struggle. We fought her spasticity with many, many Botox injections until they stopped working in 2019. We have gone through four different therapy places. 


In November 2019, we pursued getting Liberty. She has been dropping weight for the last three years. We went through three different procedures to get the feeding tube placed. Because of the way her body twisted, her stomach had lodged itself partly under her rib cage and could not be inserted easily. This was the last time she was placed under anesthesia for a procedure.

Our Neuro, Dr. Hottie, couldn't give us a prognosis or any kind of timeline.  He told us that we have been living on “bonus time” for a while.  She was outside of any medical normalcy. As we talked about the progression of her diseases he reminded us that these last years are beyond what he could have predicted.  


In March 2020, we went into COViD lockdown.  Libby was home with us throughout that spring and summer.  When we went back to our classrooms, she stayed safe due to her careful caregivers.   Her body continually declined: her stiffening was ever-present.  We have increased her clonazepam to offer some relief.   Her ability to speak and answer basic questions dwindled away.  Her weight continued to drop. 

In May of 2021, Libby's Parkinson bite caught her index finger in her mouth and broke the skin.  She bit her finger so very hard. She has worn a specially ordered hand mitten since then.  (Now I believe she had a seizure and her jaw locked down.)

As we prepared to finish out the school year, Libby began crying almost every night. By the end of the month, she is crying every evening: uncontrollable and inconsolable. This continued throughout the summer. Liberty's period has stopped.   


In June we were asking her local doctor for guidance.  In July, we knew she was Sundowning.  This is not the quality of life we have focussed on.  We began making plans for Libby to stay at home with caretakers when we started school. Getting her in and out of the cars and into wheelchairs and out take a toll on her very little body. 


In August we went to get her baclofen pump refilled at Cook's.  The next day we got her feeding tube replaced in Amarillo. 


 On August 4th Libby had a full seizure. One of the few things that I have pleaded with God about is seizures. They are terrifying. She has had several more since then. We are now of Keppra to keep the seizures at bay.    


On August 19, we began receiving Palliative Care. This is a blessing. It is a true gift to have support for the caretakers.  


On October 11, we signed Liberty in the Hospice Care program.  She needs more and more eyes on her. More support.  She is changing incrementally and I don't want to miss it. Having this wonderful program in place has given me some peace.  We want her to be calm and happy as long as possible, but most of all I want her to be HER.  Some days it doesn't seem like she is my Libby: my wolf girl.  Then the next day she will smile and giggle and it's like the sun shines again.  


https://music.apple.com/us/album/grit-and-grace/1527828770?i=1527828773


School remains my safe place. We have wonderful classes and could not be more blessed by our campuses and our peers.  Each day I am ready to be on campus and then want to race home as soon as I can.  This is hard.  Loving her through this is hard.  And it is beautiful.   


Every day we are blessed. This continues to be our bonus time with her.  This is not my story to tell, this is hers. We continue to learn Liberty.  

You are loved.

Monday, June 21, 2021

Ubuntu

“Hello!  I love you.” 

Summer is a special gift every year.  This year I am especially grateful. Having more opportunities to be with my community is a blessing I have yearned for, plus time to be at home and revel in the rest. 

 I needed to share this with you all before I offer a Libby update.  Now, more than ever we need Ubuntu. I certainly need it.  I AM able to continue on because We are.   

Please play this song: 
“Crowded Table”

Opening prayer/thoughts:
Our Loving God, 
You have taught us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Help us to do that within our church, familial, and neighborhood communities.  Help us to understand the struggles and problems our fellow people are going through and guide us to find ways to help them in the ways they need it most.  Help us to love others regardless of our differences- because of our differences. Help us to see one another as the divinely created and beloved spirits we are. Help each of us to help others grow and thrive as we wish to grow and thrive.  Help us to love our community as we love you.  Gratefully in your grace, we pray, Amen.  




Some days we are the matriarch and some days we’re Elvis.  Sometimes we maybe the crocodile hunting and other days we’re Sully. Having the support and strength of our extra family is vital. May you have the awareness of Ubuntu as you strengthen your community through serving and accepting of service. 
I am ever so grateful for our community.  
****

We’ve had some fun adventures including Libby and I took on grocery shopping and the Mall!  We’ve enjoyed the Wednesday evening gatherings at church and a scholarship race.  I think she’s enjoying the time at home and getting to go run around as well.   And all the movies we’re watching.  Yay for summer. 

(I am continuing to share our journey with Liberty and her illnesses. Please don’t be sad.” 
Libby has started some thing new: crying and fussing for hours every evening.  Every. Evening.  She cries. This is not a kid who cries very often until recently.  This is week four for the beginning of the cry hours around 6:00.  
I’ve rocked her in her little chair.  Sat with her perfectly still. Rocked her outside.  Played her favorite music. Held her in my lap.  Given her extra shower.  Rubbed her legs and feet. Etc. and she still cries.  

I took her to the local Clinic and we did full blood panel and urinalysis along with a abdominal Sonogram.  Nothing abnormal. 

We’re now trying a more stringent evening routine involving repetitive relaxing music.  Also added an additional relaxant to our nighttime routine.   So far, there is not a rhyme nor reason that I can find. 

I know we will figure it out.  Just hope I don’t lose my mind before then.  ;). Bless Rachael who is having to tag in a lot more when Libby is wailing.    I believe this is part of our learning curve and we will figure it out.  I know we don’t want Libby to be hurting or unhappy EVER.   Ever.  We choose quality for her life at all times.  I have faith that we will find the magic whatever to make her return to comfort and happiness.  

My mom has been in ICU in Garland for five days.  She is on a ventilator. There are multiple systems not working proficiently.  Her body is trying in her own way.   Prayers and good vibes appreciated.  Prayers for my brother, David and his beautiful wife, Mirtha.

--Closing Blessing:
Our loving teacher, 
Crowd our tables and guide us as we welcome more in.  
Show us how to see one another as the vitally important pieces in our community we are.  Protect us from anything that could slow our growth as a community.  Allow us to be uplifted as we grow and strengthened through good works in your name.  When we are weary may we be sustained by the faith surrounding us. Remind us that I CAN because WE Can.  Remind us that we ARE because You ARE.   We ARE because I am.  Help us to love our community as we love you.  In your grace, we pray, Amen.

Thursday, May 13, 2021

WARNING! Construction Work Ahead


      It’s the end of a beautifully stressful school year where we’ve been in-person teaching the entire time.   We’ve worn our masks, cleaned the tables, and had books in a waiting area between students sharing with other students. All to keep our students safe.  Knowing that I would be going from our school to pick up Libby has meant being very careful by using sanitizer, masks, and limited what I take home and what comes from the house to my classroom.  All to keep Libby safe. We’ve changed so much of our pedagogy and class space in an effort to keep all of our students and family members safe. This entire year has been a blind growth curve in the middle of an acid rain storm while wearing a mask and wielding a spray bottle of Pine Sol like a sword. 

And we have survived and dare I say, thrived.  

Last week  I shared about Libby’s biting prowess and the huge teeth marks and infection she gained. Here is the catch up time line: 
Monday-5/4- Libby bit her right index finger so hard her whole hand swelled up.  
5/5- Her finger and hand are swollen and red. We saw a doctor and began antibiotics.  
5/6- Her finger and hand are slightly better- We celebrated Cinco de Mayo and saw friends at church. 
5/7- Finger and had are worse. Red, inflamed, and puss filled.  Back to doc for more antibiotics. 
5/8- Red and angry infection in finger, but finger is better. 
##Pictures of the finger at the very end of this post to protect those who are squeamish. 


And then...
That Friday morning we were in a wreck.  It was an almost normal Friday as I had many water jugs to be filled and extra cleaning stuff for my classroom. My school bag, lunch bag and Liberty’s go bag we’re loaded as well. 
A lady, my new friend, ran a stop sign and hit us. This very sweet and apologetic woman was so upset about the fender bender with our van; even more so after she saw Libby in the van. 
  
Libby was with me, and we got into a wreck. 

I couldn’t open my door or the windows.  Libby didn’t move at all. 
Libby. Was. With. Me. There were water jugs and parts of our food, her pill container, and daily supplies were everywhere. 
 Libby was with me. She was with me in her chair lift seat with her harness and seatbelt on. She was also propped up on her Star Wars pillows as normal, plus an extra one for her very iced and wrapped left hand.  

After the collision,  on Liberty’s chair move at all.  Her pillow was in place.  Her hand was exactly where I had propped it up. Everything else was in the back under the wheelchair, under seats, across the front passers seat.  Stuff was everywhere, but nothing in Liberty’s seat had moved.  

When I finally crawled across to get out and check on her, she smiled a little and that was it.   No surprise, fear, or painful upset to be shared. Apraxia is a gift at this moment.  I did a body check and she was okay.   She was okay.  And I had hard waves of sobbing.   Ugly crying.  She.Is.Okay. 

https://youtu.be/8-vZlrBYLSU truly a “Broken Road”....

While we exchanged insurance and informed the police officer what happened, the wonderful officer gave me some salient advice. I need to get something on Libby’s chair or body that states that she is nonverbal, full assist, and has her medical information.  Her words echoed, “If you had been incapacitated, how would we know that she cannot respond, stand, or move on her own?”  

Well shit.  Sirens were going off in my head.  If something happens to me, first responders HAVE to know the hardware in her body and how to help her.  Shit.  

Humbled and scared. I am often humbled, but not often scared.  I place my fear at the feet of my faith, so real fear doesn’t stay with me long.   But I was scared.   If I had not swerved the other car would have hit straight into the driver’s side door.   It could have been much worse.  This could have been a “road ends” sign, instead it was “construction ahead” and “slow down”. 

Grateful that Jennifer and Caebhin for coming to get Libby.  
Thankful that the Tow truck driver gave me a lift. Ever so grateful that Rachael was able to leave school and meet me at the Collision Body Shop and let me son. 

 The last two weeks have been a treacherous drive on a rocky dirt road, with lots of construction work going on.   I was still reeling from this new road where Liberty biting her finger is a truly dangerous possibility. I didn’t realize we were emotionally in the middle of of construction zone.  Growth and understanding take work, so I better get a hard hat to match Libby’s protective hand  mitt.  That’s where I’m at as I admit that it is truly “a dangerous business...going out [my] front door” (The Hobbit.)   Dangerous it is. 
We were blessed- not lucky.   Blessed.  And I am humbled and grateful. 

Some links for getting the necessary information on the seat belt, wheel chair, or even wrist of your loved one.  
Or 

And 



Gird your loins if your squeamish...


Day 3 after bite.
Day 8 her very soft “cone of shame” came in.  She’s ready for some lightweight boxing now. 


Day 10 that bruising is real!  


Libby’s finger continues to heal.   It’s coming along slowly, but steadily coming along.   The van is at the repair shop and we have a cute little rental.   And we’re okay.  We are okay, and the road work continues all around us.  
Be safe and be blessed.   
Ileana 

Tuesday, May 4, 2021

Rough Road

Happy Tuesday,

We now live on a world where Liberty can accidentally bite herself hard enough to break skin and cause her entire hand to swell.  This is not the road I would have ever chosen, but it’s the one we’re on.  

The last 24 hours have been rough.  Liberty has bitten her finger so severely that I had to get her checked for a break.  



Yesterday afternoon I got a call while I was in class that Libby was okay, but had gone through a Spastic fit and bitten her finger hard enough to break the skin. Poor Derrick and Mariah for dealing with this scary drama.  (She has bitten herself before as her left hand, index finger, stay very close to her mouth. She has not broken the skin so much, not caused her entire hand and wrist to swell due to the bite trauma.) She has also bitten plastic spoons, straws, and forks in half.  We don’t use plastics any more.)

She had an ugly shower and potty last night and cried through most of the night.  I wrapped and iced her hand.  She spazzed and bit her finger again around 11:00.  I slept with her using my arms as a defensive shield lest she bit herself again.  

Took her to our clinic doctor in Canyon early this morning. Getting X-rays are difficult.  Went through two sets of attempts before we could get a decent shot.  With the spasticity and the gnarly nature of her fingers, it’s hard to see a possible break. Getting her body into the needed position was a challenging yoga class into itself.  It’s easier for us to move and conform that it is to try to get Libby’s body to do so. The Radiologist doesn’t believe she has any breaks.  Thank goodness. 

We left the clinic to get the script for antibiotics as bites of all types are dangerous magnets for infection.  Love our little Canyon clinic.  We did come home with a finger brace which she managed to get off of her finger before we made it home.   

I did ask the Nurse Practitioner for a Liberty size “cone of shame”.  Apparently that’s not appropriate, but it was funny. 



So, here we are.  We lost the day as I couldn’t leave her to go to school this afternoon.  Didn’t help that I ugly cried in front of the nurses and the NP.  This opened a new set of worries for Libby’s health.  

What a crazy day in a life where Liberty has taken me to many crazy days.   We made it home around noon and she napped.  I dozed in between checking on her with her hand wrapped up and iced as if she were a boxer coming out of the ring. 

So, that’s the day in a life with Liberty.  I can curl up and cry or I can admit what an incredibly rough road we’ve been on and understand that all of us are on our rocky road.   

Sometimes I go down an emotional path where I believe God is punishing me or that I’ve done something so terribly wrong that Liberty’s body has gone through so much because of me.  I don’t believe that is how God works. Her physical struggles are not my punishment.  They are just part of journey. 

We’ve all got detours and construction areas that others may not even know about.  The paths we walk are not easy, but they are ours to learn from and grow through.   
But seriously she bit her finger so incredibly hard.   That detour wasn’t  on the map at all! Not sure how this will change our daily care of Liberty, but we will learn our way through it.  No other way but through.  

  Pray for and embrace the people around you.  Pray for and embrace the rocky road your on. Pray for and be embraced by the others around you.   


This life is so unbelievable at times that we really and truly need each other.   And maybe we all need spiritual hard hats to reach our destination safely.