Lagom introspection

Introspection:

My life is full of extremes if I'm not careful. For a Libra I find myself searching for balance. Always trying keep my world centered. When my world feels off center then I cannot keep the stress in check. Too often, I will over do whatever it is. For instance, I like to get my jellies made in late July and early August as the fruit is plentiful and I have time. It is not as if I could just do a single batch. I have to do all of the batches. Whatever it is, I go 110% or none.

This holds true with all of my habits. When I smoked, I smoked a lot. When I exercise, I work out a lot. When I binge, I binge a lot. When I study, I study a lot. And so forth. In May, two months into quarantine, while Rachael was in the hospital, I decided that I was going to force myself to stop binging. So, I ate less. A lot less. Then I had a hard talk with myself because I have battled this pendulum many times in my life. Many times. Disordered eating is an old frenemy of mine. (I remember being on a diet at the age of 8.) In a world of so many uncertainties, controlling my lack of control has been my jam. I am trying to be better to myself and handle the stress in healthier ways.

I’ve struggled throughout my life, but especially since Liberty’s body has changed and deteriorated. A sad and honest part is that for a long time I didn’t want to take care of my body for me. It was terrible eating well while Libby dropped weight everyday. It was hard to not binge and over drink when I knew her body was shutting down.  It didn’t seem fair that I could be so healthy and she isn’t. Actually, it sucks. I’ve punished my body in many ways and yet, still blessedly strong as hell (knocking on wood now). And Libby’s body won’t be strong. 

Yet, she is still here and fights her body in her own way. And although we are emotionally symbiotic, I’m pretty sure my body isn’t affecting her health. (More on this to come. Caretaking others is a mind mess in many ways.) We are a work in progress.

I tell you this so that I can share the importance of this word. I learned of "Lagom" from a Podcast; one of my True Crime podcasts- no doubt. The archetypical Swedish proverb, “Lagom är bäst,” literally means “The right amount is best” but is also translated as “Enough is as good as a feast” and “There is virtue in moderation”. I don't have this near magical thing called moderation. I have to work for it. I have been pushing to recognize when I am full and have enough. As in every thing, I am a work in progress. As are we all. 

What makes enough: “Enough is as good as a feast”. Every day is enough. We are enough. You are enough. We create what is enough as we learn to be tuned in to what is feels right for us as individuals.

 I’m learning to create limits that are healthy and support who we want to become is important. We are all on a journey of our own. Sometimes our paths overlap and diverge. It’s vital to protect and support the road we’re on. Learning limits is like choosing my favorite roads to run on my long runs: I know the layout and feel positive and uplifted by the scenery.  I am supported and secured within my new healthy limits, even if I am testing the boundaries at times.

Finding healthy limits makes sense especially during the time of such uncertainty.

For all of us I hope we find Lagom in our lives.

Each of you is enough. Even while we’re working to improve and strengthen. Even when we fail. Especially when we fail. When we’re ready to give up, you’re very enough.

Share the blessing that you are.