New Balance: Lagom

Rachael and I returned to working in the brick and

mortar classroom on our campuses. We have been

training, collaborating, planning, and researching.

We are organizing, cleaning out, and arranging

student seats. We are re-imagining, re-learning,

re-trying, and re-tooling education. We are comparing

masks and how to keep our glasses from fogging

and our nostrils from drying out.  This is a relentlessly

stress filled, overwhelming time for teachers and yet

it’s exciting! Nevertheless, it is good to be on campus

with my peers preparing for my future Loves to join us.

My fellow teachers, administrators, and staff bless

me every day and make me a better person. 

The flip side of this is that I am not with Libby every

day now.  I am at school and she is either with Mariah

or Jennifer depending on the day. This is hard as I have

not ever had the chance to spend this much time with

either of my children. I have spent my parenting years

working at least one job and going to school for my own education.  I lost a lot of time with my girls.

The last five months have been challenging

and a great blessing. I didn't get to see Mariah as much,

but we were able to talk more. There are many other words to convey what this time meant for me, but words fail me.Truly a stressful godsend to have that time with her.  She is now up several pounds and has filled out quite a bit! She is even wearing some adult-sized clothes again.  

After her drastic weight loss a year and a half ago, I went through her clothes but held on to many that I hoped she would gain back the weight needed.  That alone is wonderful as we have scaled back on the number of tube feedings she gets in a day. She got her tube replaced last week and we were lucky to get her in when we did- right before the tube popped out.   I'll continue to monitor her intake and struggles with Parkinson's swallow to adjust her caloric

intake as needed.

The stress is real in the land of education. The level of uncertainty as we create new norms in education is real and overwhelming. The cognitive load is great and overwhelming. Yet, we will preserver. We will learn and adapt and do what is needed for our students, parents and peers.

Beautiful teachers stay strong. We can do this.

To all reading this please that you are loved and are worth far more than you know. 

Ileana

Selah

Selah is found 71 times in the book of Psalms

and three times in the book of Habakkuk. There

are many different definitions for this

beautiful word: in Greek, it is an interlude or

intermission, in Hebrew, it can be a break,

a silence, a pause, in Arabic, it is a prayer or

a connection.  Other sources refer to Selah

as a rock or even forever.  Early in my church

years, I learned that this was a time to rest. 

A holiday. A break.  Respite.

Although this was forced upon us, quarantine

has offered Selah, a time to slow down. 

To enjoy the time with Liberty and to see her

for her beautiful self as she is today. To

embrace the time with Rachael

and love her through her healing. 

To relish the conversations

with my family and cull out time

together. To delight in seeing Mariah and

her new husband as they create

a life of love. I have also learned many

things about myself.  To appreciate the

beauty that is to sleep and sit and be

still (as best as I can).

Selah. 

With this forced rest, I have come to realize

that I need to listen to the immense noise in

my head and categorize it as

useful or useless.  Much of the discordance

in my world is my own symphony less and

full. Useful noise may be reminders of what I

need to get done and has notes I can follow. 

Useless maybe guilt over believed past

transgressions or even presumed failures

and follows no rhythm. Useful noise can be

unpacked and taken care of.  Useless

noise cannot.  Too often, the useless noise

has occupied

my mind and kept me doing what needs
to be done. 

My brain tends to go 100 miles an hour 24

hours a day. I have spent years forcing it

to slow down so that I can sleep.  I’ve often

mused that it takes a freight train to slow

me down. Once I gave myself permission

to stop and listen,

I can put that cacophony into a pile and

either deal with it or throw it out.  Mostly. 

I am a work in progress.  A new skill I

am hoping to hone over time. Like most

things worth listening to, well done practice

is key.

Blessed with a beginning melody of Selah of

the mind untangling these noises have been

easy- in a way.  Useful noise is positive and

useless noise is ugly.  I’ve learned that the

most important conversation

I am going to have is with myself, and my

interior dialogue was terrible.  Mean. Ugly.

And riddled with self-deprecation.  Now,

when my revelry is interrupted, usually

when I am exhausted or overwhelmed,

I can call the useless noise what it is and

move on.  Just like in real life, I don’t have

to join the refrain.  

Being a mom to a child with many special

needs is a heavy gift to bear. At times is a

heavy burden that broke me. Other times

it has hurt so much I wish I had broke.

But at all times, loving Liberty is the

easiest thing to do. Even when she is

crying and no one knows why except her.

Even when she lost the ability to control

her speech, arms, her legs, her bladder

and her bowels. Wonderfully, she hasn't

lost her smile. This isn't any gig full of restful

phases; it is too often a crescendo

of heavy overwhelming growth. Yet it is

so worth it.

The moments of Selah are beyond.

Rona has forced me to listen.  To hold the

rest as important as the notes in between.

In this, I have been blessed.  This

time is ending.  I hope to keep the true

sense of Selah with

me in all of the varieties
of the word.  

For all of us, I hope that we can find and keep

our concerto of Selah going as we return to

in-person working.  Taking the positive lessons

from the quarantine with us may be the hardest

lesson of all. I wish you will know you are needed.

And appreciated. And capable.  And loved.

And your own Selah.  And maybe, we are

Selah to another who

needs it.

I am grateful.

Be safe and well.

ileana

 **Capitalizing the word Selah for effect**