It was Mariah and I against the world for the first five years of her life. She was my Junior and wore all the confidence that I lacked. A force like a tornado who could clear the room with her smiling personality. She was the first person I talked to after finding out that Liberty was a possibility. After being reassured that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant several times, this was revelatory. Mariah was by side as Liberty came into this world. (My mom was there as well.)
I was and am amazed at the connection these girls have. It was during Mariah’s senior year that we saw that Liberty’s speech, handwriting and eating habits change. We thought that anxiety over her sister leaving for college and all the changes were causing Liberty to stress in major ways. Then within the first twelve weeks of Liberty’s 7th grade year and Mariah’s first year of college we were heading to our first children’s hospital.
Liberty’s health didn’t improve and Mariah, ever the loving and amazing sister, wanted to schedule her classes around therapy and other appointments. I prayed and cried a lot then moved my beloved Mariah into the dorms. This was a very hard step to take. In my mind I had to try to protect Mariah from what I feared was ahead. She had to have a chance at a life outside of her sister’s diminishing health.
Over time, it felt like Mariah and I were severed. I struggled to hang on to Libby, to work, to family, to my love and to my life. I struggled and felt as if I had lost my oldest. My fear of losing her fostered an environment where Mariah wanted to prove to me that she was okay. She lied. And I believed her and lied to myself. Her sister went from vibrant, brilliant and funny to losing motor skills daily- how could she be okay. Now I know that Mariah was angry. And she had a right to be. She stayed angry for many years. She was angry at so much including God. Now I know that was a reasonable reaction.
Now I know that I failed Mariah. I failed to support Mariah in ways that she needed and for that I am terribly sorry. I failed. Hope failed her. She drifted and landed, drifted and landed in an almost Gypsy-like manner for years.
Now I know that she was grieving. She lost the sister she had, yet her sister was still here- needing her. That’s hard. And terrible. Completely. Unfair with a heavy dose of sucks.
In Mariah’s own words: “watching Libby get sick and watching what it did to our family killed me. For a long time I ran. I ran from our family. I ran from joy. I ran from God, and I ran from Libby. I was so mad at the fact that I got to live and experience my life, that I subconsciously worked to destroy it. I lied. I hated. I hurt people.” She was in so much pain.
Over more time, I found my way to Mariah, or she found me. It came as the blessed guise of me needing help watching Libby a couple days a week so I could work after Liberty’s graduation from high school. Since then, I have been able to see Mariah every week and she gets to interact and take care of her sister. Watching them together is awe inspiring. Mariah is able to get responses from her sister that I’ll never get even though Libby is now down to one syllable responses now. They communicate in a way I don’t understand- always have.
Mariah has continued to grow in a way that is smart, funny, hard working and most of all caring. I describe Mariah today as my Lion’s mane of a daughter who says the things I can’t and handles her life in amazing ways. She is the best parts of me and so much more. Her strength is a gift and her faith is what I have prayed for so many times. I am eternally grateful that she found her way back to faith. She is half of the amazing part of me and all of a blessed God. As Mariah began planning this wedding she commented that this wedding was for both she and Liberty. Her desire was for Liberty to feel the love that both she and Derrick have for her. This is something I couldn’t even think about. Amongst all the losses with Liberty is this fact: she will never be married or even know that kind of love. Damn. Yet because of a sister’s strength, Liberty was included and is completely enamored with her now brother, Derrick.
They can’t be serious around each other.
And this is her mom’s story of how she walked down the aisle to marry this wonderful man, Derrick Neusch, finally balanced with him.
After all of this, how wonderful it is to know that this woman believes in love. And hope. And a tomorrow that is blessed. I am grateful and humbled to a be a part of Mariah’s life. And can’t wait to see how she and Derrick change their world. Mariah says that she “found another beautiful and loving family to add to our own.” May their union be blessed and their love a blessing to both families who are now joined. My love, I am and always will proud to be your mother. Grab his hand and go kick the world’s ass!
**None of the wedding pictures are professional; those photos are on their way.
**Mariah gave her consent over this writing and she will be the final editor.
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