Holiday at the ER

     We had a plan.  I had a plan.  We made the decision to make a trip our Christmas gift to our family.   We contacted  our first travel agent.  We chose San Antonio for our little family get away.  The river walk over the holidays and some sea animals are what we have in order.  We paid for the hotel rooms and tickets to Seaworld, got scripts early, doctor appointments completed, supplies delivered, and cars washed. I’ve prayed for Grandma Linda’s ongoing wound care to behave.  Shared possible itinerary with fam and embraced the excitement. 

      Due to the trip, we didn’t buy gifts for each other.  We were possibly going to pick something out while on the trip.  We were to have a little meal with Grandma for Christmas Eve, but she wasn’t feeling well possibly after adjustments to antibiotics. So, we didn’t Christmas Eve.  For Christmas we were going to meet Mariah and Derrick for a lovely meal. Reservations cancelled.  Didn’t think this minimal gifting part through very well. 

      Yesterday evening, I flushed her tube in preparation for her shower and witnessed the icky mess on her belly.  Yep.  Her tube is dislodged.   I taped the bejesus out of it, bathed the kid and started the necessary call to our doc on Christmas Eve.  Taped the tube further and put the kid to bed.  

      Libby and I checked into the ER Christmas morning at 8:15.   Remember how we were given the go ahead to have standing orders for feeding tube replacement?   Well Rachael took Libby to her primary care doctor Monday, so I could go to the Wound Care doc with Linda at the same time. The standing orders were requested this Monday.  It’s Wednesday, a holiday, so of course the orders aren’t in and approved yet.  Let the waiting begin.  

      So here we sit. Christmas morning at the ER. Trying not to embrace the guilt of taking other people from their family time today.  Trying not to focus on ugly negativity that could envelop me.  Trying not to think about the possible loss of this much needed trip. Trying not to be sad that it’s Christmas and there are no gifts for this sweet baby of mine.   Trying not to admit that I’ve messed this holiday up with these plans of mine.  Silly little plans.  

        We’re here waiting for the on-call radiologist to arrive, interrupting their precious Christmas Day.  Waiting to be able to give my kid the food and meds she’s having to miss just in case they end up having  to use anesthesia.  Level of suck-age pretty high.  And if I’m to be honest, this is all just so sad.  So sad.   Holidays are hard.   This one is so sad.  

         Right about now I could believe the universe is against us.  That continuing to fight for this damn tube isn’t worth it.   (She’s holding her weight and up two pounds as of check in at Cook Children’s on December 11.)  I really think that giving up is the easiest thing.  Good thing it’s not an option.  

        It’s times like this when I feel like banging my head and heart against the universal wall that I know the light is coming.  The light always comes to remind me of the immense love that surrounds me at all times.   It’s times like these that I know that even though right now our circumstances are so ick-worthy, I know that my God has a plan for me.   Plan for us.  Plan for this moment.  For this day.  For this precious life I’m sharing.   I just have to acknowledge the sad and turn on the Light.   Turn on the lights! 

Pic from Monday evening.   

Now I’m going to pray, cross my fingers and toes and  knock on wood to get the luck/blessings needed to get this tube in, Linda well enough, and everyone on the road tomorrow morning.  

Fa la la la la ......Merry Holidays to all of you.   And if you’re struggling with the Sad, I’ll help turn back on that Light.  Much love

ileana