My plate

I would not trade anyone's plate for my own.   Ever.  Can't even ask for this "cup

to pass" without me.

I know everyday that I am blessed beyond measure and will always do more than is possible. 

Let's discuss the plate I carry. 

So, we are fighting multiple side effects with Liberty's progressing conditions.  We go back on December 5 for Botox and to turn up her battery charges.

 Who knows what will happen after that.  I believe the she will be able to lossen up more.  The DBS is a treatment and a dealing technique 

Not

A 

Cure.   

Her ongoing treatment will be a balance of medications, DBS alterations and Botox.    And SHE needs therapy outside of school.  She needs it. Her last place won't return my calls. We face pressure sores from sitting and lack of positioning changes.   Working on that one.      She needs bladder control and ability to swallow fluids on a predictable basis. She needs so much.    

Next- 

My beloved grandmother is now in a nursing home. I lack the words to be able to process this situation. Grandmother is enjoying her socializing at the home and it is a beautiful place.   My aunt Judy is doing everything she can to keep grandmother happy and safe. 

My mother and grandmother have lived together for many years. My mother's health has declined in such a manner that she hasn't been able to take care of grandmother for awhile now.   Mom refuses medical care and help. Her fears over what is going wrong with her body have caused her own self neglect. 

Grandmother worries constantly about my mom and wants to go back to her home.  But she can't.  The house isn't safe for either if them.  It is not wheelchair accessible; DARS and APS have already been there.  My mom could go to a home, and yet she refuses to discuss it.  She can't afford to stay in that house, which breaks my heart.  I can't afford to do much.  I have plans to find some extra money somewhere.  There is little I can do except make the weekly visits and offer to do whatever is needed.  This level of guilt makes it hard to breathe. 

This weekend I pulled a surprise get a away for Rachael and her 40th birthday. Her birthday always gets the shafted.  We either have doctor appointments in Ft. Worth, no money because of doctor visits, or it gets lumped together with everyone else's.   She is selfless and doesn't complain, she just has no expectations.   

The party was fabulous and I am grateful to everyone who helped

With the food, decorations, gifts and conversations. 

 

I started in August, after a training in Dallas, planning and putting money back to enable her to have a two night stay at a hotel, the second night was the surprise party with friends and family. This meant some careful monetary planning. We were also going to have a night alone which didn't happen, but it will soon. All relationship accounts need input, even ours.  I will be hiring a nurse very soon. 

There's Mariah, family, work, a dissertation, the animals, and so much more to keep balanced on my plate. 

Just know this- I picked up this plate, or was chosen for it- so I will continue to carry it.  Please don't say to people that they "have enough on their plate", because then it feels like I must not be doing something right since I try to handle everything else.   I'm carrying the plate, everyone will know when it's too heavy. Then there would be a crash.   And I'll go right back to picking up hope.

Super sized life

Nothing I do can be small or bite sized. 

I don't do a lot of eating out, not because I am that healthy. It's because my body just doesn't accept most foods very graciously.   The idea of pulling up and ordering a super sized meal and gobbling it up I sounds good but it just isn't going to happen.  Right now, I am full.  Full to brim with love for my job, my family, my friends and my life in general.  It's as of every emotion I have has grown to be supersized.  This year it seems as if we have super sized everything- our love, our hope, our pain and our struggles. 

 We have beauty and hope. 

And some

Scary little critters.

So blessed.  

There is also the ongoing roller coaster ride that is life with Libby and her frenemies Parkinson's and Dystonia.  Libby is developing different symptoms and more of some old issues, like spasticity and less of others which is a conundrum.  She can't seem to do anything predictably.   At all.   

She decided Friday to skip the senior pep rally because the noise makes her head hurt.  Truly, I get that. It is just a milestone she missed, yet I respect her  decision.   Even if Libby were still healthy, the emotions would a be wild and crazy because she is a senior in high school. 

So, We have a senior ring, cap and gown sized and ordered.  Ten hours of community service completed. 

Halloween carnival, homecoming, Caprock's  Trunk or Treat, and so much more competed in this first twelve weeks of school.  I must say that she is so much more verbal and complains so much more that it is hard to tell when she is truly happy. Or, at least, content.  Super

Sized order of hope.

Mariah has stated another job which will lead her, hopefully, closer to her long term goals and a healthier lifestyle.  That's the struggle and amazing aspect of having a grown child.  The balance between nagging and pushing and then speaking my mind, while being kind, loving and supportive.  Again, super sized order of hope here. 

The gargantuan emotions also reflect in the sadness that I have had to simple face and somewhat embrace.   Everyone has some sadness that is out of their control- I think. 

This school year I have had to accept and realize that having my current position means that I do not have have many friends at work.  I have truly had to leave my ego in the car every morning and keep my focus on the students who need me.   Super size hurt and jabs at my self esteem and yet I know that I try to do what is best for my students all day, everyday.  I believe in the students and in the process of designing, planning and learning with them.   I will continue to believe that I have been placed where I should be and where the students need me. Too late to ask why and time to ask how best to do the job ahead of me.  I am having a great time and my learning curve is off the charts.  Super sized order of fear, planning, researching, trying, asking questions, trying, and planning some more.  

There is so much more, but as my emotions and stress levels bounce up and down I have to keep in mind that my God has this under control.

And, no, it's not just hormonal, and yes I do believe in "go big or go home". Amazingly gifted to have the chance to be overwhelmed! 

I know that in a few years I'll look back and be grateful for all of over sized emotions and stressors.    Now I believe I will be taking a nap with my senior princess.