Liberty whispers

When I knew that Liberty’s time was bgetting shorter, I tried to make a list of what would help everyone (me) deal with letting her go. These little gifts are what I cling to. Here is part of what I came up with:

1. Sing her favorite songs with abandon

2. Love on one of her favorite “babies”

3. Wear outfits that she liked

4. Notice butterflies

5. Find birds (hawks and others)

6. Watch a show or a movie she enjoyed

7. Hike for her

8. Play in  water

9. Howl at the moon

  10.Dance ridiculously

Whatever it is, I NEED to feel her presence.  This part is important as the ache I have with her not being physically here is overwhelming.  

The missing of Liberty is an expected guest at this point. Never know when it will arrive.  I miss her. I miss taking care of her.  I miss carrying her. I miss feeding her. I miss bathing her.  I miss her smile. I miss her eyes shining at me. The only time I’ve felt really pretty is when Libby told me I was pretty. I miss sleeping next to her and counting her breaths over and over again.  It is in the missing of her that I can be lost.  I held grief and fear at bay while taking care of her and loving on her.  Now, I have so much less to do.  Sometimes it is like a tidal wave of missing rolls through me.  My throat constricts and my heart races.   My eyes leak.

These Liberty attacks are still there, but now I try to breathe through them.   I acknowledge the missing has come for a visit.  I have to let this guest in, so that I can continue.  And I’m trying.    

What's Your Grief? has some great articles especially the information about secondary losses. 

Scars In Heaven - Casting Crowns (Lyrics)

You are loved.

Burnout

Beautiful painting created and gifted to me by an equally beautiful sophomore: Irakozi Chantal.  

She is amazing.  This is "Exhale".  Thanks to Micah Muehlhausen for making this painting possible.

For all who are taking care of their loved ones:

In my memory, my mother was sick: having more off days than good ones.  She fought depression, diabetes, addiction, arthritis, and Lupus. Some days she could pull it together and others she couldn’t. Grandmother and I tried to take care of her when she was home.  She was diagnosed later in my teen years, so that helped me figure out what she needed.  Her stubbornness taught me how to be the caregiver that called to schedule appointments, to get meds refilled, to try to keep meds organized, and so on.  

As my Grandmother began aging, I learned more caregiving skills.  By this time I had both of my girls, so I would bring the girls over and take care of what she and often my mother needed to be done.  As Libby got older and her diseases raised their hideous heads, I would load her up and head to Grandma’s. There were several years that I would take my lunchtime to go and help Grandma bathe.   Then I’d get home and bathe Liberty.  Once we got a rhythm and a schedule, it was a beautiful time in my own sandwich generation. It was stressful, but it was also a gift to help my Grandmother in such a personal way.  One great side effect was seeing exactly how much Liberty and Grandmother were alike.  :)

Now, I realize, that I have been caretaking for a long time just as many of us have been doing.  I know I am not alone here. We, the caregivers, keep adding on and adding on our responsibilities until we can’t anymore: emptying our batteries day after day because we are needed.  Week after week. Year after year. (I have not been alone. This is my perspective.)

The time we had with Liberty was a gift, and it was hard.  It’s not that there wasn’t help with Libby.  There were many who helped along the way. I did so much of her caregiving because I chose to.  Once we started Hospice Care, I know I went on high alert with Libby.  Hyper-vigilant in many ways because I didn’t want anyone else doing it for her.  Because I only had one chance to love her through the end of her life in the best way possible. 

There were times when I would just cry out of frustration with Libby knowing that she wasn’t being difficult by choice.  Knowing that she wasn’t being difficult because she was angry with me.  It was her body.  It was her disease. 

There were times I would yell- I am not a yeller at all.   There were times when guilt moved into my body because I was too busy doing things instead of paying more attention to Libby. There were times when my anxiety flooded through me because I was doing something that didn’t have anything to do with Liberty: running or training. Sometimes jealousy and resentment overtook me as I was not able to do the same activities other people got to do.  I went to my first coffee house last week to hang out with friends.  

Caregiver burnout is a real thing.  I am tired.  And empty.  My short-term memory isn’t working.  My body reacts oddly to emotions.  My sleep is weird, but that is beginning to get a little better, thankfully. I’ve been holding myself and my life together for so long; I am tired. I’m ok, and I’m drowning.   Sometimes I am prickly and don’t realize what my face is saying. There is often a weight in my chest that keeps me from breathing.  May have misplaced a large majority of my self-confidence. I find myself being more honest or not speaking at all. I am tired. I’m ok, and I’m drowning. I’d like to eventually find myself just being me.  My batteries are empty, and I am trying to find ways to replenish them.

For years, my time at school teaching has been my safe haven.  I have poured so much of myself into that part of my life.  That was for me. Just for me.  I selfishly poured and poured and kept my teacher self separate.  I realized I could continue to be who I’m meant to be and still be her mom. I could have little bits of joy and not be guilty. I also have open roads where I find solace, whether I am running or biking.  Now I am extra blessed to have a church community who have also created a safe haven for me as well.  Whether I am at school, church, or an empty road, I can be prickly and still be loved. I pray anyone who is caregiving finds those safe-havens. 

Little video of sharing the love with a group of senior citizens two of my classes have adopted. 

Here are a few links about caregiving:

Caregiver Burnout

The burnout tips are solid.  

Resources for Caretakers

Great resources

I am so grateful for all of my community who have surrounded me and supported me through so much. Caretaking is one of the hardest and most beautifully blessed messy things I've done.

Play this one loud so maybe I can hear it...  Many have been through so much in the past few years, let's learn to let life love us.  

Blessings! 

ileana Twig 

**Addendum: many of us are still caretaking after our loved ones have passed on.  That's also a legitimate form of caretaking.  We can't take care of or loves in human form, so we continue.  You are also caretakers who need to consider the fatigue and burnout that can occur.  Please find ways to recharge your batteries, my beloved friends.