Want to Want to

I apologize now for how egocentric this post is.  Wanted to share how fear, stress, and grief can affect us.

It is nine weeks since Liberty left her physical presence.  It feels like twelve years ago and also yesterday.             

Waking up reaching for her. Waking up panicking because I forgot to give her meds.  Rushing to the car after the last bell at school, only to remember that she doesn't need me anymore.  Still going to the fridge to warm up her meal to realize it is no longer needed.  My body still waking up on her pill schedules.

(We heal ourselves with much help.)

It is strange and beautiful how my brain is dealing with grief.  My grief is like a pressure cooker filled with jelly jars.  I think it's in control and it sneaks out oozing sticky sweetness on the stove.  Other times it explodes without warning and my throat constricts and I cannot breathe.   Not a fan of losing control of my emotions in that way.   Grief is a sneaky, sticky bitch most of the time, but I am grateful to know and recognize her when she joins me. Looking at me I am healthy.   I work out.  I eat mostly healthy foods.  Looking deeper I have used exercise and controlled eating to hide the neglect in the rest of my body.  I have believed that whatever everyone else needed was more important.  (Don't think I am alone in this thinking.) 

Between December and January, two of my teeth broke off almost to the gums.  My teeth have always been an issue as they are weak and painful.  I carry a great shame about them as nothing that I and various dentists have tried has been very successful.   I was focused on caretaking and teaching.  I ignored the pain and ended up with an infection.  I told no one.  I have been to a new dentist twice in the last two weeks and have several more appointments to get the damage and my recent neglect handled.  I am grateful for a beautiful friend who mentioned this wonderful dentist to me. 

I want to want to be better to myself.

After three years, I went to get my eyes checked.  Have been so afraid of how bad my eyes have been getting that I have ignored them since we went into lockdown in 2020. Also discovered that I have real issues driving in the dark.  I now have new glasses and I am grateful although it is hard getting used to wearing them.   I want to want to be better to myself.

This section may not be in poor taste; my apologies. 

In May of 2021 when Libby started Sundowning,  my monthly cycles went crazy.   For several months I had five to ten days BETWEEN cycles. Did pass my yearly check-up under the hood up in August. I have been proudly a machine following a schedule for a decade or more.  These last 11 months have been unpredictable and draining.  I have some fear and much shame about any intensive medical exams or procedures.  Thanks to another beautiful friend for the recommendation I have an appointment with an OBGYN this week.  I want to want to be better to myself.

I have struggled with ulcers since I was 12.  Interestingly, since May, my emotions have lived in my belly and burned along with my heartburn. I tend to hold my voice and swallow many emotions. I know I need to get my guts checked. That is coming in the next few months.  I want to want to be better to myself.

"Who you are to me"

My mental health mirrors the neglect in my physical body.  All that time with Libby and I never considered how I would survive letting Liberty go.  I have been carrying around resentment,  shame from childhood and early adulthood, guilt, and my current loud and obnoxious passenger: grief.  Know I need to not be in a caregiving role for a while.   I feel like I am drowning personally and thriving in the classroom. I could not ask for more understanding teachers and students around me.  In that, I am truly blessed.   When someone asks me how I am doing, I say with joy, "I get to be at school today." I mean it.  School is and has been my happy place. I continue to be blessed to get to teach.   Once again, I have been blessed by a dear friend who gave me the name of a counselor and I have an appointment coming up this month.  I am grateful and scared.  I just want to want to be better FOR myself and everyone else.  

"You Say"

I am trying.  Willing to try to be better.  I have to believe in the promise I have in my faith.   I made promises to Libby that I want to keep.  

Sorry this is so much about me.  Just working through my shit one appointment at a time.  

You are loved and you are worthy of taking care of yourself.

twig