In February, I had a talk with my principal and blessedly, he listened. I am continually blessed by my campus and cohorts. I had been trying to find a way to get a transfer or a change in assignment. I knew that this discussion could have gone several ways. I didn’t want to leave my school, but I needed the change. Another change in a barrage of healing and grieving, Another change to mirror the way I have changed.
I needed out of the coveted position of teaching AP Literature. I have loved and enjoyed the students and the AP style teaching strategies, yet I wanted to return to my first love of teaching students with different abilities. For months I haven’t known what or where I would be teaching next year. I have been specifically praying that I would be placed where I am needed and where I needed to be.
I am a planning, list making, checking off the boxes, get it done on time, but what if, kind of chaos manager. Facing the unknowns in my career was disconcerting and a little exciting.
I realize that I have lost my self-confidence and quit listening to my own intuition. I have not been listening to what I needed for a long while, mostly because I was honed into what Liberty and the family needed. The little voice that kept telling me that I needed a change in my professional world also told me that more changes were coming. My intuitive inner voice has been awakened!
(More about changes later.)
One of the things I have been doing to exercise that intuitive siren within me is part of my swim training. I have been closing my eyes while swimming laps. Goggles on, belly button, and forehead in line with the long blue stripe on the bottom At first, it was unsettling. With repeated attempts, I have become comfortable trusting my body’s rhythm with the forward crawl. When in doubt, I can simply open my eyes to ensure that I am within the safety zones of the lanes and I am not running into the lane ropes or other swimmers. When in doubt, I check in with my body if I am within the safety zone of the lanes.
This is similar to being on the track where I can run or bike and have to be hyper-aware of anything except what my body is doing. I can completely zone and pray and contemplate whatever my brain offers up.
https://youtu.be/zIC_9CI-FVw My current favorite artist.
Just like so much in life, if I can continually trust my faith and my intuition whatever is going on will be ok. By limiting my visual stimulation, I can zone completely out and “hear” what my heart and brain need me to listen to. I have had many “Libby squeezes” where I feel that she visits. A cacophony of emotions roll over me and then I have a knock-down drag-out over catching my breath. These waves of grief just have to run their race, just as I do. As the Libby squeeze subsides, there is a peace that brings hope and returns love to me.
Having your heart squeeze with grief and love while in the water is a different experience. If you haven’t cried and laughed while swimming with your eyes closed, I recommend to not recommend it. Just try to make sure to not swallow copious amounts of water.
Still taking Kitty with me.
You are loved.
