I’ve continued to sleep with Libby, probably as much for me as it is for her. Some nights we sleep hard straight through. Other nights she moves and kicks and fidgets all night long. It’s like trying to sleep with someone break dancing; that’s an antiquated reference. It’s taking more and more to knock us both out.
I had one lovely dream of Libby in her fragile little body of today, except her body is working. She is dancing. Now she has always been a waltz in a world of two-steppers. She is dancing in her cowboy boots. She is dancing to a rhythm no one else could ever hear. Happily stomping in her own way doing her “happy feet” moves that are completely her own.
She has this authentically perfect way of ignoring the rest of the world and just dancing. The only thing in this dance is that she is confused. She’s looking at me and asking “what’s happening?” More Liberty dancing then “Mom what’s changing?” Then she was moving those fast little feet again, and I woke up talking nonsense out loud with wet cheeks.
Three Saturdays ago , Libby giggled throughout the night. Seriously- giggling. The kind of happy, care free little girl giggling that is rare. The kind of uncontrollable bubbly giggling that cannot be contained. She was giggling and then would clearly say, “yea” several times. She was even shaking the bed. She giggled through the night and into mid-morning.
I asked Libby what was so funny and she’d get quiet and go on sleeping. She was sleep laughing.
It was so random that it was both deliciously creepy and sweet. Luckily, Rachael heard it as well. Later that evening, we were telling Grandma Linda about our “Giggler”. I asked Libby what she was laughing at- more giggles. Then I asked her WHO she was laughing at. She got serious. I went down the list of names: Sister, Jasmin, Xavier, Rachael, Betherty, Uncle David, and Jennifer, to no response. I had a silly hunch, so I asked if Grandpa Terry was telling her his corny jokes and she said “yes” in the most clear voice. And she giggled some more.
Don’t know about many things, nor do I understand many things, but I know the love we share in this life bridges to reach the other side.
It makes my heart smile to think of Terry whispering his goofy “Dad” jokes to Libby.
What a gift. My friends this is hard, heart breaking shit, but she continues to bless us with glimpses across the veil. Some days I feel as if I will suffocate from the weight of it. Then she giggles or tries to reach out for me. And I take a breath and keep going.
Thank you for reading and supporting us. We are blessed.
