When I was seven, I can remember standing by the entrance of my Aunt Gina’s Methodist church handing out flowers while other children handed out the funeral programs. We were smiling, greeting, and sometimes grimacing at the tediousness, but we were there. We were a part of this sort of rite of passage which we call a funeral.
I always loved helping because, well, the food. Funeral food is so good. This is a truth across so many different cultures. Proof that good food is a balm for our spirits.
Now, I realize that by having the children there and being a part of the communal loss, the adults could physically see the promise and hope in us and tomorrow. We represented the covenant that follows death: rebirth.
At 12, I can remember sitting in with my great aunts while a family mourned. We followed the cues of the family. Sometimes we would be laughing and looking through photo albums, tears falling down our cheeks. Other times we were solemn and quiet. We would tidy up, organize, bring out the food, help with the gratitude cards from the family, play with the younger children, once mow the yard and most of the time literally sit beside the family members as they took on the weight of their loss.
Years later, being a part of the mourning process has become an integral part of my life. It is important to show up for those we love in this way. Except now, with COViD, we are so limited to being a part of this very important component of community. We celebrate together. We mourn together. We carry our grief together. In this we are together.
Growing up grief was a buffet where we shared all of the courses amongst us. As if every station of entrees represented the stages of grief. As if every person coming by, sending food, condolence cards, and paper goods was shoring the family up for the coming onslaught of emotions. When we share our love of people, love of God, and this loss it is an important communion. In the time of COViD, we must find ways to celebrate the lives of those who have left us and mourn their loss together.
Personally, I have rotated through the stages of grief with the consistently of rinse, lather and repeat. If it weren't for the people standing by my side and carrying the sadness with me, I wouldn’t be here.
Grief attends us when there is a death, a separation, or even a disappointment. There are many ways in which grief enters our lives besides a death. Be mindful of the losses around you and be with them while they go through the process.
Caminar juntos: walk with me. This beautiful idea holds true whether we are able to sit in together or set up weekly Zoom meetings so that we can talk “in person.” Carry this pain with me until I can carry it for it myself. Help each other rejoice in the lives lived by creating memorials that fit the family needs. Memorials that fit the communities needs.
The attached articles have some reminders about grief and how to help us all walk through the buffet of loss with our community.
Be well and be blessed.
Ileana
