"I'm Okay" is NOT Okay

 

      Here is how many conversations go with my peers and students at school: 

"Hey, haven't seen you in awhile. How are you?"

"I was out for two weeks.  Two in my family had the virus. Everyone is better now, so I'm okay, how are you?"  Her eyes were surrounded with heavy bags and she seemed smaller.  Her answer of okay or fine brought a halt to any further exchange.

"Wow.  Glad they're getting better......" 

    It was on a Monday, when I am excited to see my peers and students, that a similar exchange happened.  I had this urge to follow this student and ask again how she is doing.  So, I did.   

    "Wait. I don't feel like you really told me how you are doing.   I ask because I care.  I know you've been in quarantine and I know that can't have been easy.  So, how are you doing now that you are back at school?" 

    We had a lovely conversation about what she had been through, quarantining in her home where she stayed in her room, trying to safely help with house work, and feeding her younger siblings.  Plus she had schoolwork of her own as well as the work her siblings needed to complete.  

    Missing this much time in our regular daily routine is not easy.  Even if you maybe don't enjoy all of you classes, or your peers, or your work in general, the disruption of repetition within your schedule negatively impacts our own social and emotional health.  

    I think many of us are carrying around a lot of stress, anxiety, loss, and fear.   There are so many unanswerable questions in our daily lives, that there is a pervasive feeling of  uncertainty.  Because of this, I believe we need to practice truly checking in with the beautiful people around us.  

    According to Anna Goldfarb, in her New York Times article, we need to be using more open ended questions, such as: "How are things?" or "Is anything on your mind?"  One of my current favorites, "what is making you smile today?"

    Not only do we need to ask open ended questions, we also need to know why we say we are okay or fine when we really aren't.  It's so easy to keep the veneer up and shine people on when we really aren't okay.  Really aren't fine.   We're sad, scared, anxious, or a myriad of other emotions that mean we are not okay.   But keeping that invisible mask on makes us feel safe somehow, or even protected.  For me, it is easier to dismiss what I am feeling or going through, if I don't talk about it.   Then I store it away.  That is a recipe for being even less okay.  

    It's okay to say I am not okay, but I am working on it. But I am learning to let myself cry. But I am trying.  But I see the beauty in everyday.  But I know that this storm will pass.  But.... It’s also okay to say, “thank you for  asking, but I can’t talk about it right now.  Check in on me later today.”  

    We already have so many things separating us; I believe it is time to open up and work through our struggles together.   We all have something we are dealing with and maybe we can share the load.   Every day the focus needs to be on how to lift and shore ourself and others up. 

    Rachael had her emergency diverticulitis surgery six months ago.  We have been holding our breath since her surgeon said that they may have to postpone her surgery until sometime in the spring.  The local hospitals are struggling to meet the needs of the COVID cases as well as the need for scheduled and elective surgeries.   As of today, 11/14, her surgery is still a GO for Wednesday, 11/18.  Praying and hoping that she can get the last of the infection removed and get everything in her belly safely connected once again. She will have to be alone while in surgery and afterward.  Please lift the doctors, nurses, and all of our wonderful hospital staff and Rachael up as this will be a tough week for her.  

    Praying that you can all see the beauty in sharing and lifting each other up.  Be kind and stay safe.  You are loved.  

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2020/07/why-we-say-im-fine-when-we-arent/

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/28/smarter-living/coronavirus-how-to-check-in-with-a-friend.html?auth=link-dismiss-google1tap

End of the Semester Slump

    (My thoughts in regards to parents who have children in school/college/training and those who work in the school system.  I’m certain that other professions have their own timelines when the stress can overtake us. My disclaimer is that I am continually trying to find the light.)

    This is the time in everyone’s year where we need to regroup, recoup and power through to the end of the semester.  My world has revolved around the semester based school schedule which has translated to my emotions following the biannual cycle of trying to “keep things together” through the end of every semester.  There are the stressors of studying, planning, tests, grading and maybe have a life. In the fall it has always seemed worse for me. I live for the sun. The darkness that comes with the end of fall isn’t good to me.  Whether it is a case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, stress, depression, or a combination of all, or others, these darker months make it harder for me to handle my daily stress.   

      I don’t think I’m alone.  It’s so easy to be low when you have a constant gauge of your successes and failures based on school systems.  Some students follow the same yearly patterns and may struggle emotionally at the end of semesters. Sometimes it could be a normal response to the stress involved in every semester. Sometimes it’s beyond normalcy.  

       There has been a lot of press and research coming out about the suicide ideation in students in their late teens through early twenties.  I know from my little corner of the universe that this is true. All too often former students reach our for reassurance and a reality check.   Yes, you should be tired. Yes, being overwhelmed is okay sometimes. But not to the point of not being able to function or not seeing the value of the work you’re doing.   And especially not okay to believe you cannot continue on a daily basis. These are the students and teacher peers that reach out. 

       I fear that many others don’t.  I never did until I could feel myself getting lower and lower several years ago.  My view of the daily repetition and perceived sadness of life could have completely taken me over.    I’m blessed that between Rachael and several coworkers I climbed to a better place mentally.  

      All of this is above my pay grade.   I’m just a teacher and mom doing the best I can everyday, but I read so many articles about the number of suicide attempts and admired suicide ideation haunts me.   

      What if we started marking ourselves safe from the ugliness that comes along with the end of semesters?  Like people do during natural disasters, since depression is a national natural disaster. Not that I am making light of any of this, but we need to be checking on each other.  Are you eating right? Working out? Sleeping? Laughing? Allowing yourself to cry? Are you making your lists and marking things off? Singing out loud? (These are things that help me.). 

Talk to each other and check in.  We can all use a lot more light as we head into the holidays.  Oy! The holidays are coming. Save some of YOUR light for yourself.  I will try to do the same.  

Much love,

Ileana 

Links to places with professional assistance:

https://www.facebook.com/TexasPanhandleSuicidePreventionCoalition/

https://www.facebook.com/800273talk/

Interesting articles and research: 

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Holly_Wilcox/publication/26659984_Suicide_Ideation_Among_College_Students_A_Multivariate_Analysis/links/0deec524c5d19a093e000000/Suicide-Ideation-Among-College-Students-A-Multivariate-Analysis.pdf?origin=publication_detail

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/January-2019/8-Ways-to-Deal-with-Depression-During-the-Gloomy-D

https://www.mhanational.org/tips-teachers-ways-help-students-who-struggle-emotions-or-behavior

And a chocolate covered face full of joy for us all-

October in Teacherville

Yesterday, I left campus at 6:15 to go to my night job of teaching. A wreck happened right in front of me.  The carnage barely missed me. I managed to back up, barely. The car that was hit stopped inches away from my front bumper. Glass was everywhere. The ironic part is that before this happened I was already a shaky mess.  Why?  Not Libby. Not Mariah. Not my Mom. Not my loves. It's school. 

In that split second when I thought I would be hit, I didn't think about my daughters, my mom, my loves.  I thought of the grades I needed, and if I had sent that email, and when do posters go out, and, I have to finish the data analysis, and, and, and...

The month of October is where the normal wear and tear on our teacher tires start getting thin and running rough.  We wear out. The numerous levels of stress becomes overwhelming. Layers of paperwork and grading to get through, searching for some kind of glimpse into the mind of our students. 

I cannot tell you how important this is.  Teaching is a marathon, not a race, thank you, Terri Morgan. There are going to be days that you feel like quitting and "going home because Walmart will always hire me", but you don't because you are "never so alive" as when you are teaching-Rachael Collins. "Focus on your passion" and keep going- Lisa Mote. 

There are still days when I wish I could do enough, just something right,  and could reach that one kid.  There are still days when I wish I understood why one child will do the work and another won't. When one child will destroy sticky notes because all they know is destruction and I can't fix them. When another child needs help, or encouragement, or simply to be heard.

Then there are the politics which come with working with other people. The damage we do to one another  with technology is truly sad.  Teaching is a profession where we create all other professions.  

 Then add the massive weight of increasing testing rigor and expectations, not to mention the incredible amount of student loans, money out of my check for the classroom, fear of failing these kids,  and you will find me empty. 

It is late October and I am

Empty. 

I just want to teach.   I believe in the ability of people to learn. I believe in kids.  I believe in teachers. I believe in accountability on all parts. I believe in doing everything humanly possible to make sure each child/person more educated, but many teachers aren't humans. 

Hug and support your new teachers.  Maybe share a snack and cry a little. Continue to admit that you  "don't know" and then help them find the answer. 

To me, real teaching is hard. It is to give pieces of yourself to other people and recognize that giving. To me, I don't know something until I've taught it. So, by my understanding, I come to the classroom ready to give.  And give relentlessly. And be empty- for tomorrow. I know the students and restore my hope- because I give them my hope.

All people involved in the wreck yesterday were okay. 

Be blessed and be a blessing.

http://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2015/10/22/450575463/it-s-okay-to-cry-in-your-car-fighting-disillusionment-as-a-first-year-teacher?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=2047

Challenging you all to B.A.I.T.

In honor of mental health awareness I am putting myself further out there.

I made a promise at the end of school last year that if Liberty's surgery went well I would go to doctor myself and focus some on my health.  I have been through many, many tests in the past 8 weeks and what I've learned is that stress has seriously affected my health. I've also learned that my gall bladder is kind of working and that my digestive system responds loudly to stress.   The things that stress me aren't going away. I have to simply learn to deal with them.  Simply deal.

In the past seven weeks I have had more amazing teaching moments than I could have hoped for. This new position has placed me on an extreme learning  curve.    I have no doubt that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life when I am teaching anything.  I just want to teach.   I am teaching my favorite authors everyday. The multitude of challenges, successes, and failures  means that I am continually able to learn. At the same time I know that any ego I have, which is virtually non existent, stays safely in my car and cannot enter the classroom.  Teaching is not about me, it has to be about the kids and supporting other teachers in their learning journey. My constant mantra is always "teach through me and guide me".

I have never wanted to give up and recently I have had several moments where I just wanted to go home.  Where I felt like I wasn't good enough.  Where I felt like I would never be enough as a teacher.  Where I felt stupid.  Stupid.  Inept.  Not respected or respectable. I allowed myself to feel inferior.   

My beloved grandmother remains in a rehab facility following a terrible fall a month ago.  She turns 98 next month. She will continue to need full time care and she is getting amazing care where she is and by my saint of an aunt. 

My mother's physical and mental health is deteriorating exponentially.  Leaving the past out of it, my mother is much more ill than she realizes and has little control over her mind. She will continue to need full time care, if she would allow anyone to take her to a doctor. 

Mariah is making huge decisions about her future and all I can do is support and pray that she finds her path. 

And Libby.

There are too many crazy monkeys right now saying awful things in my head. 

Stress is something that cannot be underestimated and overlooked.  Notice that none of the things listed are truly about me.  They are about people and things I care about.  I cannot let these stressors overtake me.  At some point I have to admit that I can't fix everything and that not everything is my fault or within my control.  And I don't have the time or energy to be negative.  I assume the best of everyone. 

 

If I continue to begin every action with a pure intent with the hope that no one will be negatively affected and remain humble  then all I can do is grow.  I will promise, here, publicly, to speak up when my plate is truly full.  When I have reached a point where I cannot handle what I've been given to handle, I will let you know.  Until then I'm going to be listening only the "Voice of Grace" as Elizabeth Gilbert says.  

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=709528589129259&substory_index=0&id=227291194019670

None knows what you are carrying around and what negativity is in your head and heart.  

In honor of mental health awareness please-

Be kinder than necessary. 

Assume the best of everyone.

In all instances try to positively support others. 

Truly be humble. 

I urge anyone who is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, map your stressors.  Journal.  Reflect.  Create a plan. 

**Please know that you are loved.  When you, yes you, all of you, feel inept, unable, less than, unloved, know that I love you.  Know that there is nothing as important as how we handle right now and how kindly we treat others (and ourselves).   Be blessed.   

"Big Bang Theory" is on and Sheldon is calling...