Summer is good at slipping through the time all too fast. Working Summer School is always an interesting learning experience for me. Glad I get to get to know these other kiddos.
This is a late update as summer has been busy. At the end of the school year at Caprock, we celebrate everyone. We celebrate those who are staying. We laud those who are leaving to grow on. We laud summer plans. This year I hit my 20th year mark. I celebrate having been at Caprock for over 20 years. (I still count my student teaching semester as well.)
I am so grateful that I have been in one job for 20 Years. I love my job. I love the people I work with, and my beloved students. This is a big deal in my world as I didn’t have a role model who stayed in a job. I am truly blessed.
The jacked is a gift whenever someone has been teaching for 20
Here is how many conversations go with my peers and students at school:
"Hey, haven't seen you in awhile. How are you?"
"I was out for two weeks. Two in my family had the virus. Everyone is better now, so I'm okay, how are you?" Her eyes were surrounded with heavy bags and she seemed smaller. Her answer of okay or fine brought a halt to any further exchange.
"Wow. Glad they're getting better......"
It was on a Monday, when I am excited to see my peers and students, that a similar exchange happened. I had this urge to follow this student and ask again how she is doing. So, I did.
"Wait. I don't feel like you really told me how you are doing. I ask because I care. I know you've been in quarantine and I know that can't have been easy. So, how are you doing now that you are back at school?"
We had a lovely conversation about what she had been through, quarantining in her home where she stayed in her room, trying to safely help with house work, and feeding her younger siblings. Plus she had schoolwork of her own as well as the work her siblings needed to complete.
Missing this much time in our regular daily routine is not easy. Even if you maybe don't enjoy all of you classes, or your peers, or your work in general, the disruption of repetition within your schedule negatively impacts our own social and emotional health.
I think many of us are carrying around a lot of stress, anxiety, loss, and fear. There are so many unanswerable questions in our daily lives, that there is a pervasive feeling of uncertainty. Because of this, I believe we need to practice truly checking in with the beautiful people around us.
According to Anna Goldfarb, in her New York Times article, we need to be using more open ended questions, such as: "How are things?" or "Is anything on your mind?" One of my current favorites, "what is making you smile today?"
Not only do we need to ask open ended questions, we also need to know why we say we are okay or fine when we really aren't. It's so easy to keep the veneer up and shine people on when we really aren't okay. Really aren't fine. We're sad, scared, anxious, or a myriad of other emotions that mean we are not okay. But keeping that invisible mask on makes us feel safe somehow, or even protected. For me, it is easier to dismiss what I am feeling or going through, if I don't talk about it. Then I store it away. That is a recipe for being even less okay.
It's okay to say I am not okay, but I am working on it. But I am learning to let myself cry. But I am trying. But I see the beauty in everyday. But I know that this storm will pass. But.... It’s also okay to say, “thank you for asking, but I can’t talk about it right now. Check in on me later today.”
We already have so many things separating us; I believe it is time to open up and work through our struggles together. We all have something we are dealing with and maybe we can share the load. Every day the focus needs to be on how to lift and shore ourself and others up.
Rachael had her emergency diverticulitis surgery six months ago. We have been holding our breath since her surgeon said that they may have to postpone her surgery until sometime in the spring. The local hospitals are struggling to meet the needs of the COVID cases as well as the need for scheduled and elective surgeries. As of today, 11/14, her surgery is still a GO for Wednesday, 11/18. Praying and hoping that she can get the last of the infection removed and get everything in her belly safely connected once again. She will have to be alone while in surgery and afterward. Please lift the doctors, nurses, and all of our wonderful hospital staff and Rachael up as this will be a tough week for her.
Praying that you can all see the beauty in sharing and lifting each other up. Be kind and stay safe. You are loved.
Yesterday, I left campus at 6:15 to go to my night job of teaching. A wreck happened right in front of me. The carnage barely missed me. I managed to back up, barely. The car that was hit stopped inches away from my front bumper. Glass was everywhere. The ironic part is that before this happened I was already a shaky mess. Why? Not Libby. Not Mariah. Not my Mom. Not my loves. It's school.
In that split second when I thought I would be hit, I didn't think about my daughters, my mom, my loves. I thought of the grades I needed, and if I had sent that email, and when do posters go out, and, I have to finish the data analysis, and, and, and...
The month of October is where the normal wear and tear on our teacher tires start getting thin and running rough. We wear out. The numerous levels of stress becomes overwhelming. Layers of paperwork and grading to get through, searching for some kind of glimpse into the mind of our students.
I cannot tell you how important this is. Teaching is a marathon, not a race, thank you, Terri Morgan. There are going to be days that you feel like quitting and "going home because Walmart will always hire me", but you don't because you are "never so alive" as when you are teaching-Rachael Collins. "Focus on your passion" and keep going- Lisa Mote.
There are still days when I wish I could do enough, just something right, and could reach that one kid. There are still days when I wish I understood why one child will do the work and another won't. When one child will destroy sticky notes because all they know is destruction and I can't fix them. When another child needs help, or encouragement, or simply to be heard.
Then there are the politics which come with working with other people. The damage we do to one another with technology is truly sad. Teaching is a profession where we create all other professions.
Then add the massive weight of increasing testing rigor and expectations, not to mention the incredible amount of student loans, money out of my check for the classroom, fear of failing these kids, and you will find me empty.
It is late October and I am
Empty.
I just want to teach. I believe in the ability of people to learn. I believe in kids. I believe in teachers. I believe in accountability on all parts. I believe in doing everything humanly possible to make sure each child/person more educated, but many teachers aren't humans.
Hug and support your new teachers. Maybe share a snack and cry a little. Continue to admit that you "don't know" and then help them find the answer.
To me, real teaching is hard. It is to give pieces of yourself to other people and recognize that giving. To me, I don't know something until I've taught it. So, by my understanding, I come to the classroom ready to give. And give relentlessly. And be empty- for tomorrow. I know the students and restore my hope- because I give them my hope.
All people involved in the wreck yesterday were okay.
If I said that teaching was easy and that I always felt successful at making my students successful, I would be lying. Every period, day, year, and especially every student is different. Last year I came very near to giving up. I felt as if my heart couldn't keep going.
Getting Libby through her senior year following Deep Brain Stimulator implants, Grandmother falling and moving to a nursing home, my Mom not dealing with Grandmother being gone at all, new teaching position for me, and more stressors that I can't list made the last school year a challenging one- to put it lightly.
I lost both of my Grandmothers within a six month period, moved my mom into a house of her own, the complete detachment of family members, loss of friendships due to work stuff- too much loss.
But what I gained was a chance to be schooled by an amazing group of students. Every year I learn so much, this past year I was changed. This year I was schooled. This group of students had been with Liberty since her freshman year. They made her their Queen and changed many other lives in the process.
Liberty has now completed her first week of college and everyone survived.
At our first Pep Rally on Thursday, I realized that the new group of students I have are mine and will continue to teach me, as I will try to teach them.
So, I took down the Hall of Fame pictures from last year. I took them down because they are moving on. They have their wings and need to go forward. Their pictures will live with all of my other past loves.
I can't ever close a door to a student, it's my job to help them open many. Much love and belief to Class of 2015- go and be extraordinary!
